Monday, February 28, 2011

I’m in bits!

When I started writing this blog I was determined to stay focused on a theme – me being a stranger in the strange land of America. Sometimes the fact that I am just strange seems to dominate. I don’t want to be autobiographical and the blog isn’t supposed to be about me but occasionally I am struck by a thought I want to share!  My apologies to my readers who tune in to learn something about America or Britain! But who knows – reflect on this and you might learn a bit about yourself!

At the weekend I heard James Blunt singing ‘1973’:
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing "Here we go again”
It got me thinking about where a part of me will always be. I wondered what other people thought so I posted it on facebook and the only response I got was ‘Not listening to James Blunt, the posh, gay twat’. Not as deep and meaningful as I hoped, so I thought I would air this thought again on the blog.
I realized that there wasn’t just one place I would be, but several (more than I mention here but I didn't want to turn it into Desert Island Discs!). I wonder, how many bits of us can we leave somewhere before we disappear? Then again, I’m not entirely sure I have I left bits of me in the past – I think there are times when I left different somehow – I left an old version of me there and a new one moved on!
A part of me will always be walking through the rush of cold air and dry ice in The Dome in 1987. It was the hottest new nightclub in Birmingham. I don’t know what music is playing – I never noticed. I am walking through the crowds with my best friend – she is beautiful, glamorous and sparkly. We are Alive. We are gorgeous and we know it! It was our moment! We were both on the brink of real changes, of realizing childhood dreams. It was exciting to look into the future. Would I want to stay there or go back? Not now, but I am happy to leave a little bit of me always there, adrenalin happy and full of anticipation, holding hands and looking for adventure!

Another different bit of me is in the Phoenix Club – Ahh those Phoenix nights – when garlic bread was the future (sorry - couldn't resist the link!)!  It is Sunday night and the surroundings are incongruous with the crowd. It is a wine bar surrendered for one night a week to rock! Full of long hair and lip gloss and that was just the boys.  As usual Journey is playing. They had the same play list every week!
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night…
Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time…
Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feelin'
It is almost time to go home to sleep until Wednesday and the next rock night out! At university I tended to skip the learning and just do the drinking! Wild times that couldn’t be maintained into adulthood! I had to grow up, leave that bit of me behind, and get a job!

A bit of me is in my boyfriend’s arms in 1991. His brother is driving us home after a Saturday night out. He is singing Depeche mode:
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary

They can only do harm
His voice is deep and I can feel rather than hear the song. It reminded me of being a little girl, curled up and feeling safe on my Dad’s lap listening to the deep resonance of his voice through his chest – a place another little bit of me has stayed. I married that boyfriend and guess I didn’t really need to leave anything of me behind!

A bit of me is sat exhausted feeding my new little baby girl, looking out of the window and wondering what on earth I had done and how I would cope! Ronan Keating came on the radio:
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
I still shed those tears in the here and now that I cried on that day – as they splashed on my tiny baby’s face I realized nothing would ever be the same again. I would never be the same again and no love would ever overwhelm me as much as the love I felt at that moment for my daughter. A bit of me I am happy to leave with my son and daughter forever.

And now? Will I leave a bit of me here in North Carolina forever listening to banjo strummin’ in the Appalachian Mountains? If I don’t leave a bit of my heart I feel certain I will leave (or lose) a bit of my mind!!!

Where have you left bits of yourself?!

5 comments:

  1. Why is it easier to smile when we look back than it is when we look forward???

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  2. It was easy to look forward when we are young because we did so without fear!It can be like that now! I hope you find a smile for the future xxx
    I'm not sure if I do it with a smile! more a resigned grimace sometimes!
    Thank you LACE. Have tried to visit your blog but I cant get past the profile page for some reason.

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  3. Why is it the words of certain songs transport us back to memories that are some times hidden in the back of our minds, others will always be in the forefront. They make us laugh and cry with happiness and sometimes sorrow. Little parts of us are everywhere but and we will always cherish the bits left behind but we are better for this and happiness is now the momant where we areBeautiful blogg for some of your memories are entwined with mine .xx

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  4. Ahh....the Phoenix on a Sunday night. That was a great place

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