Friday, February 4, 2011

Touchdown!

I was asked once if my husband was gay! This was in response to me saying that some major football match wouldn’t impact on our weekend because we don’t watch sport in our house. He isn’t gay – just carefully selected for his indifference to sport (amongst other things). I don’t get it – that a ‘game’ can so badly affect people’s happiness. I’ve seen grown men sulk for days because their team lost – all the more surprising is their disappointment when they support crap teams and they often lose! Equally, I despair at their awe and wonder when a player scores a goal. Isn’t that what they are paid vast sums of money for? If they were on performance related pay there would be fewer clubs near bankruptcy!
My poor son (or should I say – lucky son) has no passionate role model to induct him into the pointless occupation of supporting a team. It is worse now we are in America because we have no idea what the games are! At least if he does get into sport here and goes to watch any games I wont have to worry about the threat of mindless violence that accompanies football in the UK. I like how everybody supports school and college teams – it is a big deal here and is very family orientated.
I will take him to a baseball game in the summer. I think it is like rounders for fat men!  Someone should tell them those vertical stripes on their tops do not make them look any slimmer- less a muffin top and more a huge donut – a fat man fold over! They have a ‘World Series’. A misnomer as only in America do they play this – but in America that is the entire world they need or seem to know about! When I was three I thought the world revolved around me! America still does! They play basketball here which is like netball only easier because you can bounce the ball a lot. Michael Jordan is from North Carolina and they have his signed t-shirt at the airport departure lounge in Raleigh Durham airport – left as he was getting the f**k out of here!
It was with some reluctance that I accepted an invitation to a Super Bowl party this Sunday. We have been asked to take food. Eating is an important part of the whole experience which I think is why it is called ‘super bowl’! - Well you have to fill the 2 hours of time, when they are not playing, with something. Apparently the length of time they actually play American football is about 15 minutes in total. I thought about taking a huge tub of Utz cheese balls in a super bowl! They are dangerously addictive. They stain your fingers orange and I’m sure are full of chemicals that are now illegal in the UK. Living on Wisteria Lane– I think I am going to have to make more effort with my food contribution! Perhaps an accompanying dip!
We saw a glimpse of a game when we went to neighbours for supper with a few other families. No one could explain the American football rules – but then again the British invented cricket and the off-side rule. American football looked like Rugby for girls. Did I really say that out loud? It didn’t go down well. I was told I didn’t appreciate the sheer size and strength of the players. Yep – more fat men… this time in tights!! They have more protection on them than riot police! They do some sort of Rugby scrum but all emerge with their ears still attached. They run about for 30 seconds or less and then stop, have a water break and an all important commercial break and do the same thing 10 minutes later. The audience get wildly excited for the most trivial of things, which are then repeated about 10 times on action replay and they get as excited each time! I did wonder if they realised it was action replay.
Well – whatever – I shall get a big bowl of something and wait for touchdown… or touch cloth or something….

1 comment:

  1. How could anyone think he was gay!!!!! I used to love football and yes i did get very excited when a goal was scored .Its a feeling you can'nt explain . Now i can,t be bothered and no i never understood the off side rule. You have a lovely way with , discriptions so apt!!!

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