Thursday, March 10, 2011

Best Foot Forward!

I made a hideous faux pas the other day. The women of Wisteria Lane were talking about plans for their day. Going for a manicure came up. I confessed to never having had one. ‘NEVER??!’ they gasped. No – never! Now I don’t think I have lead a sheltered life. I could have come up with a list of outrageous things I have done that they won’t have but I still think the absence of a pedicure from the list would have caused them the most shock!
I could say it was because I am podophobic but I am not afraid of my own feet. I do have an intense dislike of other people’s feet though. I found this definition:

Podophobic: FEAR OF FEET. It's a person with a typical phobic condition in which they feel disturbed and irritated when they look at feet, touch feet (may be their own feet or someone else’s) or even talk about feet. The feeling is unexplainable.
CAUSES; The true cause behind the behaviour of foot-o-phobes is not really that clear at present, many experts across the field have determined that most foot-o-phobes have suffered some sort of visual trauma in early childhood. Visual trauma of this kind might include the child witnessing dirty feet, disfigured feet, tinea infected feet, odd feet, flat feet and even no feet, just stumps.

I have seen some dirty feet and some pretty ugly feet. When I made my wedding vows to my husband I excluded his feet from the commitments I made. It is a good job he was wearing shoes when I met him!
Feet are pretty horrible and smelly. Feet can smell of anything from vinegar to gorgonzola sick. They self produce their own foot cheese! Like a little cottage (cheese) industry! (not mine of course. My feet smell of roses…MMMmm even roses need manure to thrive though!).
I can not imagine a more vile occupation than carrying out pedicures. Filing down people’s hooves, clearing out the toe jam and cutting other people’s toe nails! (I’m sure you will correct me and point out more vile occupations but it must rank amongst the rankest – Chiropodist would be worse… and maybe a bum doctor…)
I decided I should experience a pedicure – purely for research purposes. I called in at a nail spa. They are everywhere here! They gave me a menu to look at of things they could do to your feet. Most of it involved varying leg massages! I chose the cheapest. I sat on a massage chair. I think it was on the highest setting. It rather unpleasantly pummeled my back. The foot woman couldn’t speak English (until I questioned her on the price at the end – it was damn good then!) so she indicated for me to change the settings on the chair. After being punched and vibrated far too much I turned it off!
My feet were soaked, scraped and filed. This caused me a little revulsion and distress when I wondered if it had been cleaned of all other foot scrapings before being used on me. In 14 states in the US they have banned the little pedicure fish that eat the dead skin off your feet because state law specifies tools have to be sanitized or thrown away after each use. The fish, they say pose a serious threat to health, as they are reused!!! I could never put my feet in one of those tanks – I also have a fish phobia (Ichthyophobia). When I was little I used to heave if I had to help clean my sister’s fish tank. I hate live fish! …I’m starting to sound a little weird now!
On my last trip to England they had just opened up a fish place. I wondered, rather too loudly, about sticking other body parts in the tank for a clean! A passerby looked at me and my niece in horror!
Hoping the tools she used were clean I tried to sit back and enjoy. My legs were massaged and toe nails cut. She spent quite some time sniping and scraping away. I opted for French polish. White tips were $5 extra!
I have to say that having been through the process of a pedicure and seeing the glorious results I now understand why the wives of Wisteria Lane were so shocked that I had never done it before. I have finally experienced something wonderful in the US. I have fallen in love with my feet!

5 comments:

  1. I think i just developed Podophobia

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  2. Have a pedicure for the perfect antidote to podophobia!
    I may develop a foot fettish! for my own feet only!!!

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  3. I myself have never had a pedicure. Regardless of your results and recent change, it is the reason I won't get one. Someone touching my nasty feet?!! Is there a phobia for that? lol

    I too have Ichthyophobia. I hate it when they look at you with those weird eyes. My son had a gold fish, eventually we named it moose. Since I was a single parent I had the honors of cleaning it out. Well wouldn't you know it that bugger jumped right up out of the water into my face as I was trying to move it to cleaner waters? Yeah, he found a new home right quick. Where he showed who was boss and ate their bossy Beta :O

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  4. Have you booked Richard in for his feet yet?
    Not something I could put up with even if I wanted to, too ticklish....

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  5. I think they would charge danger money to go near his feet!

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