Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Good Wife!


My hubby said this morning, “if you loved me you would cut my toe nails.’
I said, ‘if you loved me you would never ask!’
According to the ‘Good Wife Guide’ of 1955 that would make me a bad wife. Not only should I never question him but ‘Catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction’ Obviously the Good Wife circa 1955 wasn’t married to the Hammer toe House of Horrors – X-rated!
I was rather depressed when sent the ‘Good Wife’s Guide’ from 1955 to see that as ‘homemaker’ some of these things were still expected today. As a good wife who spends all day at home it isn’t unreasonable for hubby to expect the house to be tidy, the children to be clean, fed and watered and a nice meal on the table. It isn’t unreasonable but highly unlikely as I am really shite at being a house wife. I went to a ‘jewellery party’ (you know – Party Plan, where you buy junk, in this case jewels – real diamonique, for 4x the price they should be – as an excuse for women to drink wine. I never need such elaborate excuses) in azalea Lane the other day. We had to say what we did in the day. I said I was a CEO of my own company- financial controller, operations director and HR guru. The ladies smiled sweetly and one asked what company I ran. I confessed, embarrassed, that I was a housewife. I got applause! FFS! They were all housewives and liked my analogy. I was being sarcastic! Taken to its natural conclusion as a CEO I would be sacked by the shareholders for being crap. Luckily they love me and tolerate my inefficiency in running our household! The 1955 guide says ‘never complain…if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone though that day!’ My modern day equivalent is the opposite. He sits on his arse all day at work and I have to do all the house wifey and mommy stuff. He would never dare complain if I left for an all night bender as he walked in from work – Minor compared to what I go through every day! A ‘good wife’ knows her place. I know mine and it isn’t in the home!
I liked some of the guide lines but fail to meet hardly any of them. Take:  ‘Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him’
I can’t even manage that. We arrived at the beach on Saturday and all hubby wanted upon arrival was a cold beer. I had not put the beers in the cool box – not because I had forgotten but because I didn’t care. The wine was chilled. I had told him if he wanted cold beers to sort it out himself! Does that make me a bad wife?
As for the leaning back or lying down and making him comfortable…Hubby said the other morning in bed ‘I was hoping you would wake me up in a special way. ‘I tried to clarify if it was a cup of tea he was after. He said he was hoping I had had some special lessons. It took me a moment to realise what he was referring to and a few moments more to fetch iced water to tip over him before he got any bright ideas of ‘self help’ or ‘teach yourself’. It was clear he had read the leaflet I had picked up from the Pole-dancing school I had been to the night before.
A friend took me pole dancing. It was an introductory 1 hour session. My friend is a fitness fanatic and runs marathons for fun. The class of ten was made up of my friend, 8 of her fitness fanatic gym fiends and me! I don’t do exercise. Pole dancing was very strenuous although I did have flexibility in my favour – and a sense of humour. While the fitness fanatics were trying to do the perfect moves I was mostly rolling about laughing.  I seemed to have a knack for it. It was me who was able to spot the next move to a few floor thrusts was slapping one’s own arse in a cowboy type fashion. I resisted shouting yeehaa! I’m far too British. Had I not been leaving North Carolina I may have been tempted to sign up for a four week programme that transforms you from wearing yoga gear to thongs and high heels! I don’t think I need 4 classes to change clothes. Maybe some pole dancing goes on too. Even if I had been able to sign up I fear I put my pole dancing career to an end trying to move a very large sofa. I tried to move it by sitting on the floor and pushing it with my feet, sustaining a nasty strain. Someone suggested I spray ralgex (or WD40) on it till I pointed out it was my groin. Ralgex would end any future pole activity of any kind for life!
What had interested hubby were the other classes available. Not only could I learn some sexy pole dancing moves but also Lap Dancing. It said ‘Bring a man's button down shirt, tie and high heels for the class!’ I guess a lap would be useful too. It said you would ‘Learn to give your partner an enticing lap dance that will leave him ready to give you whatever you desire’. Maybe if I was a good wife I would have him ‘lean back in a comfortable chair’ whilst I perform a lap dance… In the 1955 version I would be happy enough for him to go elsewhere for such an experience and ‘Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to …other places of entertainment without you..’ Actually – I’d be happy for him to go elsewhere today. It would save me the effort and there are Hooters Bars everywhere in this Bible belt state!
 The Art of strip class promised ‘You'll never take your clothes off the same way again!’ What? I’ll never throw my clothes off all over the place in a wanton fashion as I normally do? Hubby would be impressed if I went to a class that taught me to fold them up and put them away neatly!
What I think Hubby had hoped I had taken were the ‘special’ classes:

 Princess Hands | $25 per workshop
Even Cinderella knows the power behind the stroke! Come learn how to create magic with your own hands. This workshop is designed to teach you how to give a fairytale hand-job that will leave him feeling happily ever after.
Oral Wonderland | $25 per workshop
Learn how to give tantalizing oral foreplay! This workshop teaches tips and techniques that will blow him away! He'll think he's the king of the land when he experiences your sensational oral talents!

I wonder if the Good Wife of 1955 considered such things as part of her daily duty? The guide advises: ‘Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it’. He’s got no chance! I consider some things beyond the call of duty



The Good Wife’s Guide 1955
  • Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
  • Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
  • Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
  • Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
  • During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
  • Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
  • Be happy to see him.
  • Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
  • Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  • Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
  • Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
  • Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  • Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  • Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
  • A good wife always knows her place.

Hubby suggested this as an appropriate epitaph for me to this blog:
THERE’S NO FUCKIN HOPE FOR ME. THANK THE LORD I WAS BORN IN AN AGE WHERE SLOVENILINESS IS AT LEAST A RIGHT AND PROBABLY AN ART.
I guess I don’t measure up as a ‘good wife’ circa 1955. I don’t think I measure up that well circa 2011!

11 comments:

  1. *Mind is now defunct.
    Thanks Jane I'm going to Uni in a week and a half. My brain has melted.

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  2. The good news is - you don't need a brain for university! Enjoy every minute Robbie!

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  3. I'm struggling with all of this - as a 'house husband' who now works from home (WFH) I find myself increasingly driven to do the housework, cooking, making jams and preserves, keeping the children quiet (if only)and preparing a wholesome and nourishing meal for my other better half who will arrive home dead on 5-30 just as the strains of " Neighbours everbody needs good neightbours" floats through the house. Am i doing something wrong - is this not my place?
    Name withheld for personal safety reasons!!!

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  4. Stranger said:
    Making Jams and preserves ???- You are either trying too hard or are a complete natural!

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  5. better not mention the embroidery then - wouldnt want to give the wrong impression

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  6. Just dont tell my hubby - I don't want him expecting homemade Jam and nurishing and wholesome food. It will only lead to disappointment and I'm already a disappointment on so many home fronts!

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  7. Also it isn't my fault I confused the old adage 'be a lady in public and a whore in bed!' Ha!

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  8. What a load of balderdash, that is the old fashioned word, just as old fashioned as the 1955 criteria.You would never make wife of the year but don't change a thing , we love you just the way you are .Oh by the way they forgot to mention his slippers , they must always be warm for him when he comes home with cold tootsies. Not that that applys to where you live .xxxxxx

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  9. God knew circa 1955 was not the place for me. That's why I'm a housewife circa 2011, where the rolls are changing and the man is EXPECTED to help out and cater to me! AAaHH life is good! Great post!

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  10. lap dancing Fantastic Information !! I appreciate your information.

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