Thursday, December 15, 2011

The twelve Days of Christmas – Southern State Side!

On the first day of my American Christmas Uncle Sam gave to me
A Wal-mart as large as the eye can see

On my second day of Christmas a red neck gave to me
Two snapping turtles
And a Wal-mart special ‘buy one get one free’

On my third day of Christmas a Texan gave to me
Three Texan turkeys
Two inquisitive turtles
And a Wal-mart shopping cart that’s wonky

On my forth day of Christmas a plastic surgeon gave to me
Four ‘Cougars’ (old birds)
Three Texan turkey hunts
Two fried snapping turtles for my tea
And a Wal-mart loyalty card for free

On my fifth day of Christmas the PoPo gave to me
Five stolen rings (from da ‘hood)
Four Cougar shoulder pads
Three Texan turkeys gobbling
Two bowls of snapping turtle soup
And a Wal-mart Employee Christmas songs CD

On my sixth day of Christmas the Tea party gave to me
Six Republican senators
Five stolen rings with real diamonique
Four Cougar implants
Three Texan turkey rifles
Two snapping turtle tails and gator tail stew
And a Wal-Mart shoplifter caught on DVD

On America’s seventh day of Christmas a cruel sad Yankee gave to me
Seven hours of American football
Six Republican candidates
Five stolen ringers
Four Cougar laser facial hair removal treatments
Three Texan Turkey decoys
Two baked turtles and a simmered ‘coot
And a Wal-mart 70 inch TV


On the eighth day of Christmas a Pastor gave to me
Eight bible study groups
Seven hours of explanation of American football
Six Republican nominees
Five spicy onion rings
Four Cougar teeth bleaches
Three Texan Turkey Hunting tanks (it’s extreme)
Two Snapping Turtles road kill
And the Wal-mart local druggie

On the ninth day of Christmas American Kids gave to me
Nine special allergies
Eight nutty (I’m allergic to them) bible groups
Seven hours of warm up in American football
Six Republican wanabees
Five burning rings (from butt blazin’ Sphincter Shrinker sauce)
Four Cougar fanny packs
Three Turkey Texan Dodge Rams, Texan edition
Two snapping turtles and road kill grill
And a Wal-mart people make-over for free

On the tenth day of Christmas John Doe gave to me
Ten ‘no-win, no-fee’ lawyers
Nine made up allergies
Eight bewildered bible groups
Seven hours of stoppage in American football
Six Republican teabagees
Five stinging rings
Four Cougar botox jabs
Three Texan Turkey tailgaters
Two bowls of fried turtle and grits
And a Fat Wal-mart jhort wearing shopping buddy


On the eleventh day of Christmas MacDonald’s gave to me
Eleven selections on the $ menu
Ten lucrative lawsuits
Nine extreme allergies
Eight blinkered bible bashers
Seven hours of commercial breaks in American football
Six Republicans high on e’s
Five hot stinging rings
Four Cougar eye lifts
Three Texan Stetson hats
Two snapping turtle shell bowls, hand polished by Jimmy Joe Bob
And a Wal-mart loyalty tattoo for free

On the twelfth day of Christmas a Cowboy gave to me
Twelve tumble weeds
Eleven toxic, glowing McRibs
Ten counter-claim lawsuits
Nine anti- allergen epi-pens
Eight buggering bible bigots
Seven hundred pounds of flabby American footballers
Six Republican sex scandal divorcees
Five shiny rings of fire
Four Cougar facelifts
Three Texan turkey thanksgiving roasts
Two snapping turtle shell bowls filled with buttered shrimp an’ grits
And free lifetime membership as a Wal-mart zombie



Merry Christmas everyone


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

When the chips are down ...share 'em!

Dear Landlord
It is with mixed feelings that I write to you to inform you of the death of one of your tenants, Roland. We found him dead on the driveway. He just stopped dead in his tracks – literally. I nearly drove over him! We hoped that would be the end of their nightly parties that keep us awake into the small hours but they, his family and friends, gave Roland quite a send off….almost disrespectful.
When we took on the tenancy of this house we did not realise we would be sharing it with another family – a huge family. While they do not share our living quarters I recall nothing in the leasing agreement about subletting the wall cavity space and attic to others. We took it upon ourselves to get Roland and his rats evicted.  Before you object, whilst calling someone a "rat" is no compliment, a new study shows that rats do have some saving graces. They are empathetic and will altruistically lend a helping paw to a cage mate who is stuck in a trap.
It said:
Not only will rats frantically work to free their trapped cage mate; they will do so even when there's a tempting little pile of chocolate chips nearby, the study reveals. Instead of leaving their pal in the trap and selfishly gobbling the candy all by themselves, rats will free their cage mate and share the chocolate.

This made me wonder if Roland’s mates had tried to help him when he dropped dead on the drive. I imagined the closing scenes of ‘The Champ’ with Roland playing the part of John Voight and a little baby rat urging him to get up. Made me feel bad …until the partying began at 2am again. Sleep deprivation can drive you to murder. ..  I would never kill but I confess I hired a professional. A contract killer. Really – I had to sign a contract!
The first assassins to quote for the job were more used to ‘gators, hogs and ’coons’ and seemed disappointed that it was only some rats. The assassin did get quite excited when he examined the attic. ‘You got yourself a BIG rat problem’. I knew that. I hear them scurrying past my head every night in the wall cavity. What he meant was the rats themselves were BIG based on his examination of their poo! I don’t know if this is scientific: big poo= big rat, because I could challenge that with my son as an example: small boy=monstrous poo. There isn’t always a correlation between the two - in my experience of small boys at least. Anyway – they offered to gas Roland and his crew, seal all holes and remove all copses. Sounded too Nazi and guaranteed extermination doesn’t come cheap. The cost was extortionate (and even though I am deducting the bill from the rent we pay it seemed too much and I was concerned by the extreme tactics. I have cats and small children potentially smaller than the rats in question if the exterminator's assessment of the rat size was anything to go on!)
The Bug Catchers, our next wanabee assassins focused on smaller pests and pointed out several places with termite infestations which I would have preferred not to be conscious of but it is only fair to let you know they are eating your house! As they were cheap we hired them to kill Roland.  Their method was good old rat baiting traps.  It worked! Once! If Roland is typical of his kin, he was quite small, disproving the correlation between poo and rat size. He had a glossy coat and appeared to be very healthy - other than the fact that he was dead. The good news is – as rats appear to be sociable animals they will share their chocolate chips – Hopefully Roland shared his stash of rat poison. Apparently they really like it ...but not that much. The traps were laid over a month ago and only this week has it yielded results. Roland has paid the ultimate price for his decadent party lifestyle. He died for his crimes. When I reported this to the Bug Catcher man who called to refill the traps (using those very words) for some reason he couldn’t speak. He was virtually crying laughing. Roland deserves more respect!
 Had I been in the UK I would have considered something more humane but we couldn’t find anyone offering humane rat catching. This is Texas. If it weighs less than 5 pound you can kill it with chemicals from Wal-mart. The Bug Catchers led me to believe that the rat eats the poison, dies instantly and they clear the rat from the trap. What actually happens is the rats might eat the poison if they can stop partying in my cavity long enough. Cruelly, they then may last up to 5 days before stopping dead in their tracks – if we are lucky- on the drive. If we are unlucky they may make it back to the attic and die there! I am not going up there amongst the piles of huge rat poo to find out – nor am I going to plug the holes in my cavities. As my Husband also refuses to do it, you will have to send a man in to do that. Failing that – we will have the secondary problem of a bad stench to deal with.

Yours sincerely

Your Tenant

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Neighbours? Everybody needs good Neighbors*… or just hire a professional!

When I was at school I used to go home for lunch as I didn’t like to leave my dog all day by her self. My friend used to joke that the dog couldn’t wait for me to go out so that she could have wild parties and invite all her doggy mates round. He was confusing me with the dog! It was me that had the wild parties when my dad was on nights – all evidence removed by the time his shift finished at . Best of all – I could spend the day recovering in bed while he was sleeping and he didn’t know. I don’t know why the neighbours didn’t tell him. (I guess he will know now! Sorry Dad!)
I never had to worry about leaving my pets (or kids for that matter) in the UK. I had my family and friends and neighbours to rely on (in one house we lived in my next door neighbour constituted all three!).
It is always good to have nice neighbours but there are no guarantees. When you move to a new country you have no network of anything trusted, it takes time. We were lucky in North Carolina. From day one our next door neighbours were really lovely people. Interestingly none of our immediate neighbours were American. We were imports from all over the world: china; Ethiopia; India; Britain. A real mish-mash of people and being foreign was something we had in common. I made friends with some neighbors – at the bus stop and community pool. They were good friends who I could call on to help out – for example to collect the kids from the school bus if I was running late or to feed the cats if we were away for the weekend. We also paid a local high school boy to look after the cats on occasion. He was soooo sensible and earnest and trustworthy.
Having recently moved to Texas and not having a school bus or a community pool, I haven’t really met any neighbors. As a result, I find myself having to pay a fortune and employ a professional cat sitter for my upcoming trip to the UK. I say professional – I’m not sure if you need a college degree in America to call yourself Professional – there probably is a Professional Pet Sitting training University. Really! While it costs a fortune to have a cat sitter, I can’t leave them to fend for themselves. They would probably have wild parties and at the very least wee everywhere (although they do that anyway- they are very old). They are too old to go out and catch mice for dinner. Besides – the critters here would probably eat the cats – raccoons, lions and tigers and bears, Oh My!
I was feeling rather down when it was pointed out to me that if I was nicer I would have a great pool of local people, neighbors of the American kind, to rally round and look after the cats while I was away. I mustn’t be too hasty to put on rose-coloured spectacles (metaphorically only, now I have had my eyes lasered and I can see!).  If I am honest, while I sometimes miss having a morning chat at the school bus stop and really miss having the few real friends I made in North Carolina close by, I quite enjoy not knowing anyone here. I tried really hard to make friends and fit in before but it was quickly apparent that culturally I felt very different from the people I met. In my first week in Texas, before my car arrived, I was walking the children to school. Clearly horrified by my heroic attempt to walk, a neighbor stopped and gave us a lift. She kindly invited us round to dinner and later the following week when the removal men arrived she dropped dinner round for us to save us cooking. Truly kind and thoughtful. We met for lunch with another neighbor. There were strong undertones of God and the Church in the conversation. I was invited to a church event that weekend. I politely declined. I said I didn’t know anyone in the UK who went to church. I have never seen them since. This may be because a) I am not very nice or b) because I’m not one of Jesus’ sunbeams. It served as a sharp reminder of the elephant that was always in the room with my American friends in NC. I have decided that it is easier not to try and that $627 for a cat sitter while we are in the UK is a small price to pay for the glorious isolation I find myself in. Sure, I am lonely and very bored and alone – but there is something worse than that – something devastatingly lonely and that is being bored and alone in a room full of ‘neighbors’.

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me…going down the garden to eat worms (and cockroaches and snakes and lizards and scorpions and other Texan critters)  It could be worse; I could still be in North Carolina! I still subscribe to i-neighbors in North Carolina. This is the latest thread from yesterday – entitled ‘SCARY!!!!’ from those lovely neighbors. As usual – I haven’t changed a word (other than names) – I don’t need to! The red bits are me!

Neighbor 1:
HI ALL, HAS ANYONE HAD A BLACK MAN COME TO THE DOOR AND TRY TO GET IN TO CLEAN YOUR CARPET. HE SAID HE WAS FROM XXXXX VACCUME AND I'M PRETTY SURE THEY DON'T GO DOOR TO DOOR. HE WAS TRYING TO GIVE ME A FREE BOTTLE OF CLEANER FOR MY CARPET BUT OF COURSE I NEVER OPEN MY DOOR. HE WAS WITH A YOUNGER BLACK MAN AND THEY WERE DRIVING AN OLD DARK GREEN MINI VAN WITH DARK WINDOWS. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE HAS SEEN THEM. I COULD NOT SEE THE PLATE #
I did wonder here if ‘carpet’ was some sort of euphemism – although if it was ‘rug’ might have worked better! She typed it in CAPITALS to emphasise just how SCARY!!!!! it was
Neighbor 2
Back in the summer the XXXXX sales people came by my sister's house in Durham and they operated the exact same way you described. Better to be safe than sorry though!
Neighbor 3
He came by our house as well. We didn't let him in. I did see the green van but didn't catch the plate number either.
Neighbor 1Thanks Guys I feel a little bit better knowing it wasn't just me.
If it had have just been her – it might have been because they thought she was a dirty cow with dirty carpet!
Neighbor 4
I believe we need to have some sort of sign at our community entrance gate saying something like 'Sales prohibited'. I told my wife never open the door unless I am home. Thank you for sharing this information.
I wish I had such good advice before I purchased $150 of shite steak from a door-to-door sales man a few weeks ago. Although I would never have followed any instruction from my husband to ‘never’ do something!
Neighbor 5 The voice of reason?! The one that says what the silent majority are thinking? Maybe not! This IS America!
Wow I didn't know black people were that SCARY!!!!! I am pretty sure if two Caucasian males showed up at your door and offered you a free bottle of carpet cleaner you will be just as SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neighbor 1
Do not make this something it's not. If it were two white people I would have said just that. Do not put words in my mouth. It's people like you that keep the race card going. You might want to get all the details before you insinuate a person is
racist. FYI, Slander can be sued for.
The sad thing is – I bet she would win!

Neighbours- everybody needs good neighbours! Thankfully they are now only my ‘virtual’ neighbors. Who needs neighbors like that to look out for you and cat sit?! I’ll stick to the professionals!



*Neighbours is spelt Neighbours unless referring to American neighbours, in which case I have called them neighbors out of ‘respect’ for their native tongue and inability to spell correctly!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Alles Klar

The glossy freebie mags are full of adverts for cosmetic surgery and cosmetic dentistry. Bombarded with images of perfection I can see why some people might be tempted to succumb to the surgeon’s knife. I find a trip to Wal-mart usually cures me of temptation. Surrounding myself with the fat, ugly and bewildered of America gives me a much needed boost of self confidence. I suppose everything is relative though. I avoid the up-market supermarkets full of coiffured women with big hair, shiny white teeth and big breasts in case I feel the urge to go any buy some.
I read that a British woman flew to the states for buttock implants in February. It went wrong and she died. I can only begin to imagine the epitaph! Why would anyone want a larger bottom? I have a particularly large bum and have never felt blessed by this natural phenomenon. I don’t think skinny assed people look at my bum and think ‘I wish mine was that big’. Even those people who have arses that are so flat they look like they have been hit with a shovel don’t give my huge backside a second glance (not in envy anyway).
One glossy ad did attract my attention though. At first I thought it was for teeth but remembered that any person in an American ad has huge white teeth. He was the Doctor!  Not only did the service offered appeal to my sense of vanity, it was practical too. I decided to go under the knife! Well not quite a knife, more a ‘blade free’ laser! Corrective eye Laser surgery!  I can’t say I entered the process blindly, more in an ignorant haze. A visual haze I have had and has got progressively worse since I was around 17! A prescription of -3 in both eyes meaning I can see very little without glasses!
I booked a consultation and they asked me if I had watched the videos of the procedure on their website. I said I had but I hadn’t. I felt certain if I had watched them I wouldn’t have been there at all. Getting Lazik surgery on my eyes is something I have considered on and off for years and usually quickly dismissed because I was too scared. I don’t suppose the woman who had silicone injected into her arse expected to die, but I guess they warned her of the prospect of a lumpy butt and she considered it a risk worth taking! With eye lazik the bottom line is blindness. That had always seemed like too much risk. The doctor said even immediately after the surgery I would be able to see the numbers on the wall clock. ‘What clock?’ I asked. He smiled politely – probably having heard it a 1000 times. He then left me in a room to read and sign pages of consent with warnings such as the machine could malfunction which may be ‘accompanied by visual loss’ or the risk of infection which may result in ‘loss of the eye’. I was really worried when I read that my flaps may become displaced resulting in ‘significant visual loss in both eyes’. I felt certain ‘flap displacement’ might make my eyes water …but blindness? One of the most common results is that you might still need to wear glasses, especially at night and while it might cure short sightedness it might make near vision worse resulting in the need for reading glasses. My near vision is very good!
Like the ass woman I blindly ignored all of that for the promised glory of being glasses free and being able to see the wall clock (which I actually couldn’t!). The biggest reason was that I needed new glasses and had run out of contact lenses from the UK.  Knowing what a pain it has been to find a doctor and a dentist I couldn’t face finding an optician. I wanted a more permanent solution. Typically, in my American experience, they would not reveal the cost until I was fully hooked. Now that did make my eyes water. After the surgery I will have to take ‘artificial teardrops’ to produce the same effect!
On the morning of the surgery I took my valium as instructed and I have to say I was disappointed. I have never taken such drugs and I was hoping for a much better effect. How do people get addicted if the first try is so crap? On arrival they could see that I was still a bit feisty so they gave me another valium. The effect of the vailum kicked in about 30 minutes after the surgery. I liked it!
I’m glad I entered the Laser room blind, as in not really knowing what to expect. I didn’t expect them to use some sort of device to suction my eyes open. I didn’t expect the numbing drops to sting like buggery (apparently). I didn’t expect the smell of my own eyeballs burning to waft up my nostrils while the doctor kept telling me what a great job I was doing. He was right; I was doing a great job holding on to my sanity. I almost prayed and when I saw the tunnel of light I thought my almost prayers had been answered and I was joining butt woman – only the light was red so I assumed it wasn’t heaven I was going to! On the plus side it didn’t hurt at all and really only lasts about 15 minutes in total. When I sat up I really could see the numbers on the clock – like I was looking at them underwater though.
I was sent home and given a sleeping pill to sleep for 4 hours. When I woke up I could see without glasses as well I could see with them 5 hours earlier. Every time I wake up I can see a little better. I have 4 different eye drops to use for the next week and I am to avoid any strenuous activity to keep my flaps in place (the ones they cut into your cornea so they can blast you with the laser). No housework for me! In fact I can see so well it makes me tired. I want to ‘take my glasses off’ and give my eyes a rest. On the down side I cannot read the time or texts on my mobile phone. My ‘nearsightedness’ is worse! This may or may not improve and I may or may not need reading glasses. They said it takes months to stabilise!
One thing they did not give me fair warning about and I may have never have gone through with the ‘surgery’ if they had was that I cannot wear any makeup for a week! A WEEK!!! I have blonde eyelashes. I look like a pig! The cost of the eye surgery was increased considerably when I had to rush out the next morning and buy and emergency pair of designer sunglasses. It has been raining and cloudy in Houston ever since. I look ridiculous.
Oh, and the other down side is I never used to put my glasses on until I was completely dressed and ready. In our bathroom we have one whole wall that is a mirror. Now…Alles Klar! I can see my self clearly when I get out of the shower and I really do need some attention. I can see the wrinkles before makeup… I can see the boobs before the push–up bra is in place (or rather, I can’t)…. And my bottom…Oh Lordy!  Do they do bum reductions?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Let there be light.... Again!

It's happened again! I have blogger's block! I don't write my blogs. I go into a zombie like trance and some time later I appear to have posted a blog with no idea how it got there. I can abdicate all responsibility for them! When I force them out they aren't funny (like yesterday's blog - just plain painful and tedious- although it was meant to be exactly that!) At the moment my head is full of material for blogs - I live in Texas FFS! I am bombarded with weirdness on a daily basis but the blogs seem to want to stay in the dark recesses of my brain - all warm and cosy! Maybe I am now so weird after living in the States for 18 months that the blogs prefer it in there! Maybe I should drink more... or drink less... to get the creative juices flowing. Maybe I need to have a fix of 'normality' in England to reconnect to blog world!
I am cheating today. It is tree putting up day today (I have so little to do I can dedicate whole days to such trivia) so I am reposting my blog from this time last year (maybe I had blogger's block that day too!) After completing this blog I received a GEM of an e-mail from i-neighbors in Cary NC on this very topic. I still subscribe even though I live in a different state because it amuses me on a daily basis! I have copied the i-neighbors email at the end:

Let there be light!
Sometimes it is easy to forget when you are a stranger in a strange land that it is the little things that are most weird. It is also those things that make you yearn for home.
I put my Christmas tree up. It is one of those snowy trees - cost a fortune and still look tacky next to real ones - but I like it.  Last year, in the UK, I bought some beautiful lights - Mistletoe leaves and the little white berries are the lights. They are still in the box!
Have you ever seen an American plug and plug hole? Again - for a nation so obsessed with dangerous killer germs (apple bobbers beware) they don't seem to consider the more highly likely possibility of getting electrocuted from their 3rd world standard plugs! They are two pronged affairs - there is an option for a third prong but it is rarely used. They don't appear to be fused. You have to have fit electrical surge protection as an extra to guard against frazzling your TV in thunder storms. Given the quantity and stunning quality of such storms it seems mad that they don't fuse their plugs. The holes you stick them in are just as bad. There is no switch so when you plug stuff in - if you do it at an angle you can have a mini light show from the sparks. That cant be safe! Thankfully my 5 year old son hasn't discovered this yet!
American visitors to my house LAUGH at any things I still have with a British plug attached. Yes - they are bulbous and ugly and often bigger than the device they power but they seem study and dependable. Most electrical goods from home don't work here. We got a couple of transformers to power the British Wii and TV for the kids and for my desk top but they are really expensive. We sold most of our electrical things before we came - There were some real winners on eBay! (See 'Take me home...') Can you believe someone would pay £360 for a 4 year old SMEG fridge??? A positive was selling the front loading washing machine and tumbler dryer and replacing them here for monstrous top loaders. They are fantastic!
We thought lamps would work. They don't - plugged in with an adapter plug they give off a feint glow and get mega hot!. That leaves us with a dilemma - buy nice lamps that you aren't ashamed of (other than their silly little plugs) or buy any old shit because they wont export back to Britain when we go home! We opted for the cheap stuff - Hubby is tight!
So it was with great sadness that I was prompted to reflect on strange little plugs when I came to put my tree up. My pretty little mistletoe lights wont work. It isn't that bad though - they don't seem to know what mistletoe is here (when I wrote this before I commented that mistletoe was a parasite and it was pointed out that it is symbiotic - it doesnt actually kill its host just goes and lives off it - rather like an ex-pat into a new country....) and the Christmas lights are very cheap. At home the occasional street has a house that is 'lit up like a Christmas tree' literally! you know - the very tacky ones that we all love but are glad they aren't living next door? Well here almost EVERY house is like that - and we aren't talking trailer trash chic! The bigger the house - the more lights and festive lit up figurines (more angels and Marys than Santas here given their tendencies). I guess my tasteful little berries would have looked as silly as their plugs!
I do need to point out that in the intervening year, my attitude to American plugs has changed. I now like them. I like the fact that my plug is now smaller than my hairdryer. I like the fact that my camera battery charger is tiny....
Aye there's the rub! I am starting to accept the unacceptable as acceptable and no longer funny! Hence no funny blogs. I clearly find American lack of geographical knowledge and inane-ness acceptable now!
HELP!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!



The i-neighbors email where a kindly neighbor has pposted an email to warn the other good folk of the neighborhood about plugs, fridges and Christmas lights!
After plugging some xmas lights this past week end, i woke up on Monday with the unpleasant realization that the one plug in the garage had been "triggered" to safety. The bad news is that it is the plug where my fridge was and lost all my frozen food. It was not the breaker in the fuse box that was triggered but the GFCI plug in the garage where the fridge is. I ONLY had the fridge plugged there, and it has worked great aince we moved in August, but this plug is also on the same circuit as the two outdoor plugs that i have used to plug my xmas lights.... And apparently it overloaded the whole circuit, thus triggering the plug in the garage.
I called (the builders) because I thought something was wrong with the wiring of the outside plugs, but no, she said:
You didn't choose the fridge dedicated outlet upgrade (meaning there would have been a single plug wired directly to the fuse box, then lowering the risk over loading to zero) and by plugging too much on the same circuit you tripped the circuit.
It becomes better:
This is A WELL KNOWN problem and i get this phone call EVERY YEAR from new home owners, at THIS TIME of the year for the SAME complaint.
So thanks very much for letting us know the risk
How about you fix it instead of collecting complaints?
Third, we didn't pick any upgrade when we bought because the house was completed when we bought it. Had I known there would be a risk, i would have check things and not overload the circuit...
So be warned neighbors, your fridge in your garage may be on the same circuit as the outdoor  plugs, and during these time of cheerful lights, you may lose your food.
Bitter, but enlightened!


Hey! So am I!