Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I’m no MILF

You know you are too old when you go out and someone too young to reasonably be your son uses the acronym ‘MILF’ in a conversation with you.

I normally write about the weirdness of America but sometimes you don’t have to travel that far to feel like a stranger! I felt like a stranger in my own land in some strange bars over Christmas. It had been a while since I frequented such bars and I learned the hard way why they are strangely bereft of any women of a certain age!

I remember in my youth seeing old men letching in bars at the girls. I realise that they weren’t that old now I am that old. I also realise that they were fairly harmless and benign in that they knew they didn’t stand a chance so they were just out admiring the view. Some would overstep the mark and actually try to chat up someone young enough to be their daughter and if that someone happened to be my best friend they would get such a put down that they would either go back to window shopping or never venture out again. Once, Joan Collin’s husband (or former husband – hard to keep track) chatted her up. He was probably 25 years our senior and 50 years Joan’s junior. My friend made it clear to him that she had no money so there was no point in him ‘gold digging’ like he had with poor OLD Joan. (why else was he with her?) She then said she could see why his nickname was ‘Bungalow Bill’ as there was nothing upstairs but it was a misnomer as there was nothing downstairs either! Poor bloke! That was mild to the usual put-downs such as ‘your breath stinks’ or you have the hairiest ears shaped like lamb chops I have ever seen. I found it funny when I was 20. Not so funny now.  I am mildly alarmed at how my presence in a bar in a provincial town full of year 20 olds might be viewed.
I had the misfortune to experience something akin to what those old men felt but in a weird reverse way when I ‘went up town’ in England over Christmas. Why is it you got down town in America and up town in England? It was a Thursday so not heaving but busy enough. Full of men of various ages.  I caught a young chappy staring at me. In fact he kept grinning inanely in my direction. It was quite clear he fancied me. As he was no Ashton Krutcher I was not flattered. Besides, it annoyed me. Why would someone half my age fancy me? I was old enough to be his mother! I looked up MILF on ‘Urban dictionary’ which said MILFs are mothers of any age desirable enough to want to f**k. It said If they've ever breastfed, they have really responsive nipples and a core of erectile tissue in their breasts. (Do men want that? Sound a bit Oedipal to me!) The ones in good shape have worked at regaining control over their vaginas (Kegel exercises). MILFs are usually real careful about birth control, they know accidents happen but they take responsible steps. They want to fuck with abandon, with no romantic complications for their under-19 family. If that was what the young man was hoping for he was truely deluded! Any mom with a family under 19 is too exhausted to do anything but sleep and eat chocolate with abandon. The authors of Urban Dictionary were probably his mates and had only dreamed of an encounter with a MILF and had no actual reality to base their definitions on! Maybe he thought I was a Cougar – all the rage, apparently, in America! Urban dictionary describes ‘An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. As I wasn’t the one inanely grinning at him I don’t think I could have been mistaken for the sex predator in this scenario.
He was with his mates (also of kindergarten age). Encouraged by them and vast quantities of alcopops, he walked to the table I was at, grinned at me, paused to say something and then backed off. He got himself into a bit of a loop and repeated this several times! I suspect he thought this charade of shyness was charming and cute. It wasn’t. It was bloody irritating. I was having a nice girly night out with friends I hadn’t seen for 8 months. I didn’t want to play! I stood up and he was over like a shot (so typical of young men! Maybe this is why they seek the experience of older ladies!).  He immediately went to put his hands around my waist. I am not a tactile person. I considered this an imposition and slapped his hands out of the way and said ‘don’t you touch me’, probably in my best teacher voice! Hell hath no fury like a pissed young man embarrassed in front of his mates. Rejected by someone who, in his eyes, should be grateful for the attention he said ‘You’re no MILF. That one over there’ (pointing at my sister) ‘She’s a MILF. But you’re not …And you’re rude!’ The last statement was said with a quiver and a pout. I thought he was going to cry!
His Mommy had taught him enough manners to know that I was in fact rather curt and rude to him and this had upset him but he hadn’t enough manners to realise that he shouldn’t be trying to grope me in the first place!
His friend rushed to my defence ‘I’d do stuff to you’. I wasn’t sure whether to thank him or slap him too! Uninvited, someone had invaded my physical space and insulted me (or at least tried). It’s bad enough being considered a MILF.  It is worse to have your MILF status withdrawn due to lack of compliance and gratitude!
The old men at the bar were watching. As I have grown older my view of old has shifted. Due to a hard life and too much beer they looked over 55. Old! One informed me that he was a GILF! I don’t think it should be a self proclamation. I got the Granddad bit! I felt my 20 year old self kick in. ‘I don’t think so’ I told him. I resisted telling him his breath was bad. As I left the bar my MILF sister misunderstood the story and thought I had been called a GILF! Could it get any worse?
Well yes! A man violently throwing up all over his shoes outside the bar as we left caught up with us and had the audacity to ask where we ‘ladies’ were off to. This time I did tell him his breath smelt and headed home!

1 comment:

  1. LOL, brilliant, its great isn't it when you know exactly what everyones thinking and they don't realise that you do. Is that what age does? ;-)

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