Sunday, January 9, 2011

Feeling Flush!

There are just two types of toilet paper in America: Single ply and double ply! They give the hard sell on the double, claiming, for example, if you buy 24 rolls it is equal to 48 regular rolls. Well, in theory, it is double the length if you were to split it and make it single ply but it does not go twice as far. You still use the same length as the single ply but there is less chance of your finger going through. I have purchased the single ply a couple of times by mistake and it is a common hazard! Worse than your finger going through when you are wiping your own bum is it happening when you are wiping a five year old's shitty arse!
There is only one choice of colour here - white (in a variety of shades depending on cost from grey to dazzling white). I miss being able to indulge in beautiful M&S patterned loo roll. When I was feeling decadent I would treat myself to some white with silver stars on it for the upstairs loo and cream and gold for down stairs. I know how to live it up. You should buy some too- go on- spoil yourself! Their Christmas loo roll was pretty. I would recommend you avoid the perfumed Lavender one if you are prone to thrush!!!
I can't begin to describe the amount of crap you can buy for holidays in America. Shops were full of Halloween stuff, then Christmas and now - already- you can even buy tea towels for Valentine's Day. I would not think buying your valentine some tea towels would secure undying love. You can get hand towels for the loo to denote the holiday luurve season but you can't get loo roll to match. You couldn't even get pink! There is no choice! White only! I think there is a marketing opportunity here that someone should grab!
I hadn't intended to discuss the toilets themselves because it seems rude to dwell on it but to further illustrate how strange things are I should give them a mention. For a start you cant refer to it as the toilet -  bathroom or restroom being the preferred terms - neither term satisfactory in my opinion. In fact they are misleading, although a bed or a bath would sometimes be a nice or necessary addition, there is never either. Apparently Americans use the word 'waz' but not 'wee'. The loos themselves are low and oval and shallow. They present what you have done in a way that you would rather not be so glaringly confronted with or reminded of. To add insult to injury they then suck everything down from the wide shallow bowl into a very narrow S bend. This doesn't make for a clean sweep! If only I had some pretty loo roll to improve the view!


  1. Shall i smuggle some in my suitcase for you, or maybe for myself. i Don't want shitty fingers.I hope the loos ar'nt to low or i will need assistance to get off and if i need to wash my hands first , well the mind boggles

  2. I dont think M & S loo rolls constitute illegal contraband in customs!