Monday, March 14, 2011

Spinal Tap!

While it is not in my nature to blame anyone, following my recent considerations of the law and litigation it may help me feel better if I sue someone for the excruciating back pain I have today! I do, after all, live in America!
I have 5 nominees to blame for my pain and would like you, the reader, to decide!
Nominee No 1: The yoga teacher. Last week in Yoga someone requested we work on the lower back in the Vinyasa Stretch class. Vinyasa is supposed to give you a heat building flow to open up tight areas of the body and stretch them. The moves last week were less of a ‘salute to the sun’ and more like bending over exposing where the sun don’t shine! I did so many ‘downward dogs’ I felt more like a shagging dog (Shag is a dance here!). I felt something in my lower back stretch a little too far and rather than a heat building flow I felt a painful burn. Not good!
Nominee No 2: My darling little son, devil child and undiagnosed ADHD nutter ran into a brick wall on Friday. His head bore instant witness to the collision with a purple, egg sized lump on it. We were at a neighbours having King Cake. (Another story – it is apparently a Mardi gras tradition so it should have been on Tuesday – May be I should add her to the list of nominees for not doing it on the right day!). I carried my wailing son home, well half way home before I felt some more heat in my back.
Nominee No 3: A lovely neighbour saw that I was in pain today. My back had got steadily worse over the weekend until it took my breath away when I moved this morning and it hurt to walk.  She recommended I visit her Chiropractor and emailed me his details.
Nominee No 4: You the readers. I have never been to a chiropractor but not wanting to miss a blog-worthy experience to share with you I took the opportunity to book an appointment.
Nominee No 5. The Chiropractor. I didn’t know what to expect. Having become an avid fan of ‘Two and a Half Men’ since arriving in the US I wondered if I would get Alan Harper, given the show is all but dead in the water. Whilst waiting, I read a few leaflets telling me about the art of Chiropractics and spinal adjustments. It said that during the process I might hear a pop. This was just air releasing itself… from my spine. I hoped this was all I would release during the process.
Before he even considered my back pain, from looking at me standing, the Doctor informed me I had a hip misalignment and it was like one foot having a ¾ inch heal on! I am concerned that I have been walking like Quasimodo! He had a feel of my vertebrae (hey! What’s a joint like you doing in a girl like this? LOL!) I apparently have a subluxation; A misaligned vertebrae that needed ‘adjustment’. I lay down on a little couch with my head sticking though a donut like hole presumably for comedy effect. He did weird things to my spine and I thought ‘well this is ok as long as the insurance company pay up’. He put me on my side and kneeled on my leg whilst shoving my shoulder away with his hand, twisting me. He was a big man – over 6 foot and chunky. He twisted me. SOL!!! (I don’t know if that is official text talk for uncontrolled SCREAM OUT LOUD) He did it again the other side. SOL! (How do I distinguish scream and swear?) It seriously hurt. On a pain-o-meter scale of 1-10 it definitely hit 11! I asked him if that was right. If causing that amount of pain was considered a treatment. I think he said ‘no pain, no gain’.  He assured me it was all part of the treatment and gave me a tissue as my eyes were still watering!
I don’t know about a slight release of gas I nearly lost control of all bodily functions and was in danger of releasing much more! When I phoned my hubby afterwards, his first question was ‘Did you fart?’ He watches too much ‘Two and a half men’. The Chiropractor’s patients always fart on that show! The final ‘insult to injury’ was a neat little twist of my head until my neck ‘popped’. Just more release of gas! Are spines like pistons? Did he leak my hydraulic pressure? I have been feeling very light headed ever since.
In the brochure it said that after an ‘adjustment’ I may experience a ‘feeling of deepening peace and relaxation’ or a warm and soothing feeling. I may feel no difference at all but that doesn’t mean I have not benefited. That was me – no difference – still in agony. I knew it was taking the piss when it said some people feel ‘very energetic and do all their chores that day with a light happy feeling’ (presumably having just released themselves of any tension on the couch!!!) It went on ‘a small minority may feel discomfort or muscle soreness’ from an ‘adjustment reaction’. Nowhere did it say I would still be SOLing silently in my head for the rest of the day from the hideous flashbacks to the moment of ‘adjustment’. Not just an ‘adjustment reaction’. Typical of me to over react. I feel I will need therapy to ‘adjust’ post adjustment.

If I am going to blame anyone I suppose I should put forward a final nominee: ME! For being stupid enough to go to Yoga and for not knowing my own limitations. I may well be very flexible. My party piece may well be to put my leg behind my neck (I used to be able to do both legs at the same time– I really should have been more popular) but that doesn’t make me fit enough to do it! Just because I can doesn’t mean I should!!!
My son did really hurt his head but perhaps I need to be more disciplined. I should have seen it as a ‘learning opportunity’ to show him that heads are much softer than walls and then as a punishment for his stupidity made him walk home. Perhaps the pain I have now was worth those few tender minutes of carrying and comforting my son, his head on my shoulder while he wailed and moaned and asked for daddy!
This morning I should have resisted any Wisteria Lane visits to specialists (Bum Doctor, Back Doctor, where will it end? I’ve yet to visit the gynaecologist!) and taken a couple of pain killers with gin. I’m sure I could have found something witty to post after enough drugs and gin!
On the plus side in terms of the Chiropractor, he told me can not do any vacuuming or housework or yoga! Good Man! My hubby has told me tonight to stop ‘hamming it up’ as I walk around saying ‘Oh me back!’ but the chiropractor did tell me my misalignment was severe. I think he was talking in terms of my spine! He told me I will be better much quicker seeing him than a proper doctor.  I will need to go back for many more adjustments. I have another appointment on Wednesday.

Maybe I should wait before apportioning any blame and I might find I am considering who to thank instead!

Chiropractor Joke:
Doctor please help me, my husband thinks he's a satellite dish.
Don't worry Mrs Smith, I can cure him.
I don't want him cured Doc, I just want you to adjust him so I can get Channel 4


  1. first I love the word "nutter". I call my children nutters all the time lol second if you have never been to a chiro and hurt yourself yeah it will hurt, but you should never be SOFL or SOL for that matter. did he tell you to go back? third I have yet to pass gas while getting adjusted at the chiro.

    Hope you feel better soon and don't do yoga for a long while lol

  2. If you had'nt old us "shag" was a dance , we could have put the blame there and ultimately blamed hubby!!!We can't blame our loveable little nutter either .Its mommy's job to addminister comfort ,( does that come within the job discription act,)Perhaps after a little more wind releasing you will feel heaps better.

  3. Good idea! I like SOFL!
    I have to go back tomorrow! Gulp!
    For the record only spinal gasses were 'popped'!

  4. I have photographic evidence of your 'party piece'...what's it worth???;)

  5. In reply to Debbie, I think its worth the Chiropractor's license!
    As for the pending visit to the gynaecologist, were back to that party peice again, shold be a quick visit then back to the Chiropractor again!

  6. LOL!
    I don't think I will be brave enough to try my party peice again, fearing the Chiropractor as I now do! Mind you - it has never been a case of 'brave enough' , more like 'drunk enough' and I am bound to be that again!