Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Sod it!

Try as I might I cannot make this blog funny. It is about grass. Maybe if I tried smoking some I might be amused. i-neighbors is full of messages at the moment. I would go as far as calling it a frenzy! Everyone is getting very excited because the warmer weather is coming and they can obsess about their lawns. It took me a while to work this out as they refer to lawns as SOD! ‘How’s your Sod?’ I almost said – I’m waiting for my little sod to arrive home from school but their conversations led me to believe they were not talking about their children. With answers like ‘My sod is looking a little wilted, My sod is high maintenance, My sod has bare patches…’ I really was afraid to ask. I’m just glad I didn’t suggest a topical cream to rub on their troubled sods!
They have just got over a mulching frenzy. Here they mulch! March was Mulch month. I have been asked, in all seriousness whether we mulch in the UK! Not as a national past time, no- unless it has a double meaning! Again – I might have suggested a topical cream or band-aid to prevent excessive mulching… Truck loads of the stuff have been delivered to Wisteria Lane and the good wives have overseen the distribution of it on their current bun flower beds, you know the sort, under-sized plants on over-sized mounds of earth. If ever illegal immigrants want work – it is here – mulching and cutting lawns! My gardener can’t speak a word of English but has a six pack and knows how to sort out an unkempt sod! I haven’t engaged in any mulching with him. It isn’t included in the regular service. He charges more for that!
It is f**king hot in the summer! The language is necessary to convey the severity of the heat.  +100ºF and very humid. Having a green lawn in such weather is a bit of a status symbol. Having a green lawn in such weather is virtually impossible unless you spend an inordinate amount of time and cash on it! There are different grasses you can plant for the perfect lawn. I am so stupid – I thought grass was grass but not here. I know of two main ones but there are lots are variations of the two.
We have Fescue sod, the posh grass because it is green in winter and requires lots of watering all summer. Our Landlord pays for the irrigation, cutting and weeding and feeding of the lawn. I have to say in the height of the summer it struggled to look good. There isn’t enough soil and drainage so all the watering made it a bit swampy… Mosquito infested swampy! …Tennis ball sized bite on my leg swampy! But green, so the owners were happy! I would not be surprised if it costs more than the rent to try to keep the lawn green. The only correspondence I have had from the homeowner is to ask how green the lawn is… oh and ‘where is the rent?’ They charged us a non-returnable cleaning fee of $400 for the cats. I am wondering if this was in anticipation of the cats shitting on their lawn! They should know cats don’t do it in their own back yards, they go next door.
Next door has Bermuda or Zoysia sod – not sure which as they both seem to fit the same description and they would know I was stupid if I had to ask them what it was. In summer it is like a thick lush green sponge. It is dense and feels fab under bare feet. It requires less watering and can withstand the heat. Its downside – it is dormant in the winter and goes completely brown! Nice!
There are lots of Chinese and Indians in the neighbourhood. The Americans hate it because they are obsessed with their lawns and typically some of the Chinese and Indians don’t share the same enthusiasm. They don't bother with their 'yards'! You get a note from the Housing Association if neighbours can see your dustbin from the 'side walk'. You can imagine the wrath sent forth to non-gardeners. They are reported and in extreme cases, grass seed is sprinkled and they are sent the bill! I have a neighbour who has the perfect lawn. Next door to her is the antithesis of a perfect lawn. She sneaks around their yard after dark, planting and pruning and she probably can’t help but mulch! (it is all that stress and excitement!)
Recently a man in Mississippi shot his neighbour and dog because the dog shat on his lawn. I can appreciate the frustration knowing how hard people strive for the perfect green lawn. Thinking about it I think I ought to reintroduce a cat litter tray before my two moggies really upset the neighbours!
‘Is that cat poo on my Zoysia or have I accidently mulched?’ It could be a matter of life and death!

PS. posted on i-neighbors a week later:
Do we know when the Estates' entrance will be mulched?  Additionally...  the area needs to be either reseeded or sodded. Are we aware of any work to be done to fix these to make our entrance more attractive'
Nothing like some mulching and sodding to make an entrance more attractive!


  1. It sounds if your cats do their business on the lawns of the good people of Cary you'll get Buford T. Justice giving you a call. " Ma'am, your ass is grass, an I'm gonna mow it!"

  2. thought you said it wasnt funny !!! Soddin pissed my pants.................Deb.S x

  3. That was really funny. I very often use the word sod when refering to my lawn ( which is mainy weeds , wonder if thats a special variety) I sodding hate having to mow it

  4. so you need help to retain water so you can be greener in the Summer? (re could do with a good mulching)