Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Buck ($) Tooth!

My son has his first loose tooth. It has been loose for days. He's behaving like an invalid and refusing to eat. Correction, he is refusing to eat anything but chocolate. He can manage that! I shall be glad when the soddin’ thing finally falls out. Americans are very keen on their teeth. My 5 year old son has already been questioned on his flossing habits at school as part of his personal hygiene lessons. He can barely wipe his own arse properly. Flossing was way down on my list of things he must be able to do! I have been advised that in America I do not have to take him to the dentist for a wobbly tooth but I do need to take him as soon as the tooth falls out so that he can be checked! Really? Only in America! Well, given I haven’t found a dentist yet, that might be difficult! And yes! I am months over my 6 month check up now! I just can’t face going through the same hideous rigmarole I had finding a doctor.
A few months ago I was at the bus stop when one of the Moms asked ‘How much do you leave for a tooth under the pillow?’ I was horrified. My 8 year old daughter, who very much believes in ‘hidden people’ was standing next to me. I made a quick recovery but for the Mom my answer was unsatisfactory as I do not know what the fairy would leave under a pillow in America. I have always believed (sorry, made up!) that the tooth fairly leaves gold. Easy in England because £1 coins are gold and when my daughter lost a tooth in Finland she got a gold Euro.  My poor son suffers from second child syndrome – His older sister got a gold ring when she lost her first tooth (ridiculous I know, but I wanted it to be special!) and the fairies also left her a gold necklace once. He will be lucky if I remember to collect the tooth at all! I can just hear the excuses now ‘Fairies are unionised in America, they don’t work on Saturdays.’
There are no gold coins in the American currency and my tooth fairy cannot leave notes – too vulgar! So what do I leave under my son’s pillow? Well perhaps I could leave him a special dollar.    For just $4.95 + shipping I can buy a $1 note with a picture of the tooth fairy instead of Abraham Lincoln. It is legal tender – spend $8 and get $1. I can also buy him a ‘tooth fairy loves me’ button (badge to non-Americans) from the same website. More like the ‘tooth fairy did me out of $7 – What a swizz! Bitch’!
A ‘recent’ survey' of 2 million children by the American Dental Association found the average value of a milk tooth was $1 but it ranged from a US Quarter ($0.25) to $20.00. One respondent in Manhattan had given $1.2 MILLION for a first tooth. Makes my gold ring look a bit shite in comparison.
It would be easier to put a value on the tooth if I had an idea what the teeth were for.
According to one toothfairy website:
‘I use the teeth I collect to make everything for me and my helpers.  These items range from chairs to cars to the computer I am using to write this blog.  We need teeth to create new items and repair old items, so I must collect many teeth every night to keep up with everything we need.’
WTF?! How is that supposed to ignite children’s imaginations? Seems a bit sick to me. A world made of milk teeth! Gross! Actually though - I am a bit like that fairy - she collects teeth to help write her blog, I collect shite to write mine!
Alternatively maybe the teeth are used to make shoes:
Much more satisfying was the suggestion that they made stars in the sky but each kid loses 20 teeth. That is a lot of stars. (perhaps the shoe idea was better!).  I have told my daughter they are used to make fairy dust! Maybe she will grow up disturbed. What will the discovery of the truth do to her? There is no tooth fairy. I found a letter I wrote to my parents when I was 8 years old. I was on holiday with my friend and her ‘nan’. Here is the documented end of the tooth fairy dream for me (word for word!):
My tooth came out and I got Five P. and nan put it therer Because She was figiing about under my pillow and wen nan went out of the Room I Felt unde my pillow and there was 5p. Well by for now Love and Kisses
I remember the excitement of losing a tooth and the fairy visiting. The truth didn’t seem to be too traumatic a discovery. My hubby on the other hand has no memory of a tooth fairy at all. He said there were no tooth fairies in his house. How sad! I want my son to have some magic ...If ever the damn thing comes out. I might try the string and rocket suggestion below to assist in its removal. He’ll certainly remember that if not the fairy!
(what was scary was the number of YouTube clips with similar things - dogs pulling teeth, doors, rockets - all in America!)


  1. A rocket it a bit dramatic and Charlie wouldnt like it !!!! Deb.S

  2. Poor hubby has been deprived in life , maybe that explains a lot!!!.

  3. More 'depraved' than deprived!