Monday, August 8, 2011

I never forget a face... I've sat on!

Warning: Contains Smut and religion (and it isn’t the bible!)

Miracles do happen! They arrive in the post! Well, not exactly a miracle but the potential for one. It was addressed ‘Dear… Someone Connected with This Address’. I wasn’t sure if this makes me or the house special. It wasn’t a gift, it was a loan! Not entirely sure it will help me get a credit score in America and I am not entirely sure what the cost is. I suspect it will be high if I engage. I can use it and return it or return it and ask for extra help but I cannot keep it or bin it as an unwanted intrusion in my mail box.
The surprise package was a Prayer Rug. It wasn’t one you would want to put in front of your fire and rest your slippers on. It was a paper prayer rug. It wasn’t very big either – it was around A3 size. Just too big for me to scan into my home scanner to show you and I suspect it is copyrighted! Note - it is a rug, not a mat! Rugs are more luxurious than mats! Apparently the prayer rug has special powers. The accompanying letter is full of testimonials (as is  - not sure you can get a rug from there but you can get a free cross!)
The prayer rug has a drawing of a man’s face with his eyes shut and a tear rolling down his cheek. It says I should ‘look into Jesus’ eyes you will see they are closed’ If I look long enough a miracle (or optical illusion) will occur and his eyes will open and look back at me. I should then go and be alone (not least because those sorts of optical illusions give me a migraine) and I should kneel on the Rug of Faith or touch it with my knees. It didn’t tell me this bit but I should remember to put knickers on at this point otherwise Jesus will be looking directly up my doodah! I wonder if that’s why his eyes are watering. Maybe the previous borrower of the rug had neglected to consider this. Maybe that is what is meant by cleanliness being next to godliness. Wash your snatch before kneeling on the lord! It can make his eyes water!
After all of this I should check my needs against the list provide and return the rug. The tick list includes asking for blessings and additional prayers for:
ü      My soul (beyond redemption – especially now I have dissed the prayer rug!
ü      A closer Walk with Jesus (how much closer can you get after sitting on his face?)
ü      Less Confusion in my home (I was less confused before this morning’s post)
ü      A home to call my own (perhaps Jesus knew I was going house hunting tomorrow! – Jesus – can you make sure it has a triple garage, whirlpool bath and a swimming pool please?)
ü      Pray for God to Bless me with This Amount: $______ (I love the use of capitals here! Fill in desired amount. Here’s the quandary – do you ask for more than you need cos God knows all. Does he appreciate the difference between need and want? Are you going to Gamble on more? Is that God’s purpose – Lotto God?)
Just in case I had any doubts about the power of the prayer rug, there were testimonials from people who had indeed been blessed:
‘I’ve gotton a new car and a job…I’ve been blessed’ Perhaps they should have asked for better command of the English language – I hate the use of ‘gotton’!
‘Our Lord…Has blessed us with a big 6 room house.’ Maybe my prospects for Houston are looking up, but Lord, I only want 5 bedrooms and only actually need 3 (but you already know that)!
‘God made it possible for us to buy 17 acres of land’. God the realtor (Estate agent!)
‘$10,000 in a financial blessing’
‘I was blessed with exactly $3000.’ Exactly? You know what? Not one God loving, prayer kneeling bugger amongst them had asked for anything for anyone else. No one said I prayed for the world’s sick, poor and needy... Should you be praying for $$$$ or a big house? Doesn’t seem very charitable at all to me.
My favourite was ‘HE went out and bought us a car’! God the used car salesman! I hope he want to a Mercedes dealer!
Being a girl with a highly developed and sophisticated moral code I’ve decided I am not going to use the prayer rug. People have to be my friend on facebook before I poke them so I am certainly not sitting on Jesus’ face! My rug won't be meeting Jesus' rug! I am not going to return the prayer rug either. It doesn’t give an option to tick a box saying ‘Don’t get God bothering me again’ so I am not prepared to go for the other two default options of having used it or needing more help. Neither would be true and I am honest! I have decided to offer it up to anyone else reading my blog who might appreciate it. You will fall into one of 3 categories:
  1. You are a God botherer too and want to use the prayer rug for some selfish and decadent end gain and return it so that you get a free cross and some special blessings (and land, money, healing, a fuck off big house etc etc)
  2. You don’t get out much and would enjoy a visit from the post man
  3. You will find it hilarious and really appreciate the comedy of the testimonials and seeing the rug for real – Because seeing IS believing!

Comments, bids for prayer rug or additional testimonials below in comment box please!


  1. I found it absolutely hilarious.No fear of you praying to god or jimmy jesus. I'd keep the little prayer mat it might be useful if you ever ran out of toilet paper

  2. :) If I used it for toilet paper he'd see more than my doodah! I bet he'd shut his eyes quick enough then!

  3. Too much doodah info for someone with a highly developed and sophisticated moral code ;-D