Monday, December 5, 2011

Alles Klar

The glossy freebie mags are full of adverts for cosmetic surgery and cosmetic dentistry. Bombarded with images of perfection I can see why some people might be tempted to succumb to the surgeon’s knife. I find a trip to Wal-mart usually cures me of temptation. Surrounding myself with the fat, ugly and bewildered of America gives me a much needed boost of self confidence. I suppose everything is relative though. I avoid the up-market supermarkets full of coiffured women with big hair, shiny white teeth and big breasts in case I feel the urge to go any buy some.
I read that a British woman flew to the states for buttock implants in February. It went wrong and she died. I can only begin to imagine the epitaph! Why would anyone want a larger bottom? I have a particularly large bum and have never felt blessed by this natural phenomenon. I don’t think skinny assed people look at my bum and think ‘I wish mine was that big’. Even those people who have arses that are so flat they look like they have been hit with a shovel don’t give my huge backside a second glance (not in envy anyway).
One glossy ad did attract my attention though. At first I thought it was for teeth but remembered that any person in an American ad has huge white teeth. He was the Doctor!  Not only did the service offered appeal to my sense of vanity, it was practical too. I decided to go under the knife! Well not quite a knife, more a ‘blade free’ laser! Corrective eye Laser surgery!  I can’t say I entered the process blindly, more in an ignorant haze. A visual haze I have had and has got progressively worse since I was around 17! A prescription of -3 in both eyes meaning I can see very little without glasses!
I booked a consultation and they asked me if I had watched the videos of the procedure on their website. I said I had but I hadn’t. I felt certain if I had watched them I wouldn’t have been there at all. Getting Lazik surgery on my eyes is something I have considered on and off for years and usually quickly dismissed because I was too scared. I don’t suppose the woman who had silicone injected into her arse expected to die, but I guess they warned her of the prospect of a lumpy butt and she considered it a risk worth taking! With eye lazik the bottom line is blindness. That had always seemed like too much risk. The doctor said even immediately after the surgery I would be able to see the numbers on the wall clock. ‘What clock?’ I asked. He smiled politely – probably having heard it a 1000 times. He then left me in a room to read and sign pages of consent with warnings such as the machine could malfunction which may be ‘accompanied by visual loss’ or the risk of infection which may result in ‘loss of the eye’. I was really worried when I read that my flaps may become displaced resulting in ‘significant visual loss in both eyes’. I felt certain ‘flap displacement’ might make my eyes water …but blindness? One of the most common results is that you might still need to wear glasses, especially at night and while it might cure short sightedness it might make near vision worse resulting in the need for reading glasses. My near vision is very good!
Like the ass woman I blindly ignored all of that for the promised glory of being glasses free and being able to see the wall clock (which I actually couldn’t!). The biggest reason was that I needed new glasses and had run out of contact lenses from the UK.  Knowing what a pain it has been to find a doctor and a dentist I couldn’t face finding an optician. I wanted a more permanent solution. Typically, in my American experience, they would not reveal the cost until I was fully hooked. Now that did make my eyes water. After the surgery I will have to take ‘artificial teardrops’ to produce the same effect!
On the morning of the surgery I took my valium as instructed and I have to say I was disappointed. I have never taken such drugs and I was hoping for a much better effect. How do people get addicted if the first try is so crap? On arrival they could see that I was still a bit feisty so they gave me another valium. The effect of the vailum kicked in about 30 minutes after the surgery. I liked it!
I’m glad I entered the Laser room blind, as in not really knowing what to expect. I didn’t expect them to use some sort of device to suction my eyes open. I didn’t expect the numbing drops to sting like buggery (apparently). I didn’t expect the smell of my own eyeballs burning to waft up my nostrils while the doctor kept telling me what a great job I was doing. He was right; I was doing a great job holding on to my sanity. I almost prayed and when I saw the tunnel of light I thought my almost prayers had been answered and I was joining butt woman – only the light was red so I assumed it wasn’t heaven I was going to! On the plus side it didn’t hurt at all and really only lasts about 15 minutes in total. When I sat up I really could see the numbers on the clock – like I was looking at them underwater though.
I was sent home and given a sleeping pill to sleep for 4 hours. When I woke up I could see without glasses as well I could see with them 5 hours earlier. Every time I wake up I can see a little better. I have 4 different eye drops to use for the next week and I am to avoid any strenuous activity to keep my flaps in place (the ones they cut into your cornea so they can blast you with the laser). No housework for me! In fact I can see so well it makes me tired. I want to ‘take my glasses off’ and give my eyes a rest. On the down side I cannot read the time or texts on my mobile phone. My ‘nearsightedness’ is worse! This may or may not improve and I may or may not need reading glasses. They said it takes months to stabilise!
One thing they did not give me fair warning about and I may have never have gone through with the ‘surgery’ if they had was that I cannot wear any makeup for a week! A WEEK!!! I have blonde eyelashes. I look like a pig! The cost of the eye surgery was increased considerably when I had to rush out the next morning and buy and emergency pair of designer sunglasses. It has been raining and cloudy in Houston ever since. I look ridiculous.
Oh, and the other down side is I never used to put my glasses on until I was completely dressed and ready. In our bathroom we have one whole wall that is a mirror. Now…Alles Klar! I can see my self clearly when I get out of the shower and I really do need some attention. I can see the wrinkles before makeup… I can see the boobs before the push–up bra is in place (or rather, I can’t)…. And my bottom…Oh Lordy!  Do they do bum reductions?


  1. Who told you that your bum was large, compared to mine yours is little.I think that you are very brave and beautiful.Just think of the money that you will save in the future not having to buy glasses.LIke you i prefer not to know what they are going to do to you.xx

  2. As I said, everything is relative! :))))
    Might take a few pairs of glasses before I start to 'save' money!