Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Busted Local!

Case Number: VT 05/04/01/3462
Incident: Azalea Theft
Reporting Officer: Officer Dunkin           Date of Report: 06 February 2012

At approximately 0830 hrs I received a call to attend an alleged incident of theft at 30 Azalea Lane. I was informed that a welfare officer from Sugar Land City Council was already at the location and the suspect was believed to be hiding behind the garage. The suspect was injured and had refused medical attention.
It was alleged that at an unknown time and by unknown means the suspect had broken into the yard of 30 Azalea Lane without permission, with the intention of eating the Azaleas. The Azaleas were described as bright pink. Mr Daisy, resident of 30 Azalea Lane, had reported that he had seen 4 perpetrators (3 adults and a juvenile) at 0600hrs when he left for work. Due to the unpredictable and volatile nature of the perps, when cornered, Mr Daisy did not approach or attempt to apprehend the perps. He opened the side gate to allow them the means to escape and entered his ve-hic-al and departed.
At an unknown time between the hours of 0600 and 0750hrs 3 of the suspects left the premises via the back gate which was closed at the time. Their whereabouts remain unknown. At 0750hrs, when Ms Daisy and two minors, also residents of 30 Azalea Lane, exited the property, one of the alleged Azalea thieves was still present. In the above time span the perp had broken a leg and badly injured her side resulting in large open flesh wound which was clearly visible. The injuries are believed to be self inflicted and in the process of inflicting the injuries the back gate had been bent and considerable mess and debris (mostly blood and skin and hair) had resulted. The IQ of the suspect was considered to be low. The side gate had been open throughout.
Ms Daisy took the children to school and Mr Daisy made the emergency call to the council! The children were hysterical and taken to the school nurse to be drugged.
The Sugar Land Welfare Officer called for backup at 0830hrs, having ascertained the guilt of the perp, its reluctance to leave quietly and its apparent inability to run away. The suspect would never be taken alive. An armed officer was needed and I was assigned. I proceeded along Highway six in a south easterly direction with progress being hindered by the queues at three drive-through donut establishments and a Waffle house.
Whilst on route at approximately 0845hrs, fully loaded and fully prepared and ready to shoot my load, I received a second call. The Welfare Officer reported that in an attempt to get a positive eyeball and formally identify the perp as Bambi, a well known Azalea thief in Azalea Lane, the perp had left the scene of the crime. ‘Bambi’ legged it, on 3 legs, though an unfeasibly tiny gap in the metal railings and made a getaway in a southerly direction. I did not discharge my weapon at the scene, much to Ms Daisy’s relief.  
Bambi was now a fugitive. The Welfare Officer pursued the hopping animal in her Dodge Ram truck. I immediately requested a description and placed a (BOLO), BE ON THE LOOK OUT to all units in the area. I set up a stake out at the Krispy Kreme drive through whilst maintaining a constant visual for the fugitive. Bambi was described as being brown in color, with large red/pink patches of missing skin, having big pointy ears, a big black shiny nose and big eyes and 3 ½ legs. A warning was issued ‘Suspect may look defenseless but should not be approached unarmed’. A shoot to kill order was issued.
Ms Daisy, the victim, reported a call from the school nurse requesting an update on the status of Bambi. Ms Daisy alleges the school nurse became abusive when she said that Bambi had hopped off. She claims the nurse said ‘What sort of heartless bitch are you? Dropping your children at school when they are sobbing hysterically …depriving them of their first Bambi shoot.’ Ms Daisy is a legal alien and not familiar with the law of the land. I informed Ms Daisy that she was the one committing the crime in the state of Texas and the good school nurse was just doing her duty to the children, the community and to the Good Lord. I have not charged Ms Daisy and the nurse has not filed for cruelty or abuse of the children. I considered a verbal warning to be sufficient.
At 0950hrs I received an update from the Welfare Officer. Bambi had been located in the vicinity. I approached as far as possible in the interceptor. I proceeded with caution for the last 5 yards on foot. I was able to discharge my weapon in accordance with departmental ‘use of force policy’. The suspect was pronounced dead at the scene from gunshot to the head.
I have issued two leaflets to the victim: ‘Preventing Azalea crime’ and ‘Shooting Trespassers- Top Tips!
 In line with the procedures for a successful conclusion of an Azalea crime, Ms Daisy was offered a share of venison steaks but declined.

No further action required.

Officer Dunkin

Monday, February 6, 2012

Fumbling with balls!

I was determined not to watch the Super Bowl. As I have said before (this time last year in fact) I didn’t know who was playing or even quite what they were playing. Load of old balls if you ask me.
People have told me I need to embrace my American life a bit more. They probably didn’t mean eat more donuts but I certainly have given that a good go! A post from TIME magazine caught my eye. It said ‘Don’t care much about the football game?’ I was about to ‘like’ it and comment in American style that I didn’t give a rats ass about it when I read the next line ‘Here’s how to sound smart when talking about the Super Bowl’. Seemed like a contradiction in terms to me. No one talking about the super bowl ever sounds smart. I remembered the advice to embrace Americana so I thought if I read it and took some active interest I might actually  enjoy watching the game. The article really didn’t start with the basics. You know ‘a sport played by men with odd shaped balls’. I need basics! I looked up a few key terms. Unlike Rugby, American football doesn’t even have a good ‘Ruck’ but does officially have a ‘fumble’. In fact, the article described American football as a ‘chess match’. I really don’t think the sports donkeys play it like a game of chess. From my limited knowledge I would say all they have to do it catch the ball and run! TIME really did over-complicate matters. I need to cancel my subscription.
So I thought ‘Ruck me! I am not going to sit through 6 hours of boredom, I’m going shopping!’ I perhaps should have at least checked what time the game started. We got back just in time for kick off or touch down or whatever. Hubby embraced the excuse to start drinking early so I even offered to go and buy beer. He needed something stronger after my uncharacteristic act of kindness. I was just trying to avoid boredom! The supermarket was heaving. It was full of unpatriotic Americans, shopping instead of watching the game. Maybe I am more American than I think! They had sold out of hubby’s favourite beer ‘Land Shark’. The man said they had a bit of a rush for it!. ‘Oh! Why?’ I asked innocently in my bestest plummy English accent (which is no mean feat for someone from Birmingham) ‘Is there something going on this afternoon?’
He said there would be millions of gallons of beer drunk. He was more precise but I wasn’t listening. I tried to Google ‘How much beer..’ I got as far as ‘How’ and Google came up with ‘How old is Madonna’. This must have been the big question after the Super Bowel because she looked amazing during her on-pitch mini show. She looked 100’s of years younger than her real age.
While hubby sat boozing and my mother sat trying to work out the difference between American and real football, I sat sulking on my ipad. Another post caught my eye – about David Beckham’s new underpant commercial. I Googled that (literally!) and it said the new H&M ad would debut at the Super Bowl. Now I decided to pay attention. I watched at least nine torturous minutes of the Superb owl and during the 20 commercial breaks I didn’t catch a glimpse of ‘Golden Balls’. I didn’t see the David Beckham ad either.
I saw someone – from the Fudgers or the packers, or some shit like that, catch a ball. The commentator said it could be the turning point and if the Fudgers won we would be watching that catch for the next 50 years. I already thought I had! It felt like it.
I think it was a very close game. It was hard to tell. They got excited at the most stupid of things. Some fat bloke running 32 inches (really America should become metric – it would have sounded so much further in centimetres or millimetres!) and the crowd are going wild (ish). Turns out it came to a single fumble of balls at the final whistle. I was poised on the edge of my seat …still waiting for that Beckham ad (talking of balls – what are in his boxers? I’ve seen the still shots!) or waiting to leap up and turn the TV off as soon as hubby fell into an alcohol induced slumber. One of the Fudgers dropped his ball. The captain said ‘we got to the fifty and kind of ran out of time and threw a hail Mary at the end.’ My understanding of a Hail Mary is a catholic prayer asking for the intervention of the Virgin Mary. Doesn’t seem very strategic to me. I checked the TIME article and it said nothing about a Hail Mary move. I play chess a little (I know what the prawns and horses and stuff do) and I don’t think it is a chess move. Good Old Google! In super bowl terms it is a very long pass made in desperation with only a small chance of success. So I was right about American football. All balls. All down to one team catching the ball and the other team dropping the ball! Who needs TIME magazine to explain that?!