Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Busted Local!

Case Number: VT 05/04/01/3462
Incident: Azalea Theft
Reporting Officer: Officer Dunkin           Date of Report: 06 February 2012

At approximately 0830 hrs I received a call to attend an alleged incident of theft at 30 Azalea Lane. I was informed that a welfare officer from Sugar Land City Council was already at the location and the suspect was believed to be hiding behind the garage. The suspect was injured and had refused medical attention.
It was alleged that at an unknown time and by unknown means the suspect had broken into the yard of 30 Azalea Lane without permission, with the intention of eating the Azaleas. The Azaleas were described as bright pink. Mr Daisy, resident of 30 Azalea Lane, had reported that he had seen 4 perpetrators (3 adults and a juvenile) at 0600hrs when he left for work. Due to the unpredictable and volatile nature of the perps, when cornered, Mr Daisy did not approach or attempt to apprehend the perps. He opened the side gate to allow them the means to escape and entered his ve-hic-al and departed.
At an unknown time between the hours of 0600 and 0750hrs 3 of the suspects left the premises via the back gate which was closed at the time. Their whereabouts remain unknown. At 0750hrs, when Ms Daisy and two minors, also residents of 30 Azalea Lane, exited the property, one of the alleged Azalea thieves was still present. In the above time span the perp had broken a leg and badly injured her side resulting in large open flesh wound which was clearly visible. The injuries are believed to be self inflicted and in the process of inflicting the injuries the back gate had been bent and considerable mess and debris (mostly blood and skin and hair) had resulted. The IQ of the suspect was considered to be low. The side gate had been open throughout.
Ms Daisy took the children to school and Mr Daisy made the emergency call to the council! The children were hysterical and taken to the school nurse to be drugged.
The Sugar Land Welfare Officer called for backup at 0830hrs, having ascertained the guilt of the perp, its reluctance to leave quietly and its apparent inability to run away. The suspect would never be taken alive. An armed officer was needed and I was assigned. I proceeded along Highway six in a south easterly direction with progress being hindered by the queues at three drive-through donut establishments and a Waffle house.
Whilst on route at approximately 0845hrs, fully loaded and fully prepared and ready to shoot my load, I received a second call. The Welfare Officer reported that in an attempt to get a positive eyeball and formally identify the perp as Bambi, a well known Azalea thief in Azalea Lane, the perp had left the scene of the crime. ‘Bambi’ legged it, on 3 legs, though an unfeasibly tiny gap in the metal railings and made a getaway in a southerly direction. I did not discharge my weapon at the scene, much to Ms Daisy’s relief.  
Bambi was now a fugitive. The Welfare Officer pursued the hopping animal in her Dodge Ram truck. I immediately requested a description and placed a (BOLO), BE ON THE LOOK OUT to all units in the area. I set up a stake out at the Krispy Kreme drive through whilst maintaining a constant visual for the fugitive. Bambi was described as being brown in color, with large red/pink patches of missing skin, having big pointy ears, a big black shiny nose and big eyes and 3 ½ legs. A warning was issued ‘Suspect may look defenseless but should not be approached unarmed’. A shoot to kill order was issued.
Ms Daisy, the victim, reported a call from the school nurse requesting an update on the status of Bambi. Ms Daisy alleges the school nurse became abusive when she said that Bambi had hopped off. She claims the nurse said ‘What sort of heartless bitch are you? Dropping your children at school when they are sobbing hysterically …depriving them of their first Bambi shoot.’ Ms Daisy is a legal alien and not familiar with the law of the land. I informed Ms Daisy that she was the one committing the crime in the state of Texas and the good school nurse was just doing her duty to the children, the community and to the Good Lord. I have not charged Ms Daisy and the nurse has not filed for cruelty or abuse of the children. I considered a verbal warning to be sufficient.
At 0950hrs I received an update from the Welfare Officer. Bambi had been located in the vicinity. I approached as far as possible in the interceptor. I proceeded with caution for the last 5 yards on foot. I was able to discharge my weapon in accordance with departmental ‘use of force policy’. The suspect was pronounced dead at the scene from gunshot to the head.
I have issued two leaflets to the victim: ‘Preventing Azalea crime’ and ‘Shooting Trespassers- Top Tips!
 In line with the procedures for a successful conclusion of an Azalea crime, Ms Daisy was offered a share of venison steaks but declined.

No further action required.

Officer Dunkin


  1. Police officer Dunkin I commend you on such an accurate report. I was also a witness but you never offered me a nice venison steak.!!

  2. Ma'am I do believe your testimony would be unreliable on account of the liquor you had consumed

  3. Makes you proud to be American Dunkin. A perfectly innocent harmless animal, shot to death, good jawb. It could have savaged those poor folks at Azalea drive. I recommend you hunt down and give the other three perps whats comin' to 'em. Carry on officer. God bless America.

    PS. I'll be havin one of them there venison feelays when you've whooped 'em.

  4. I laugh every time I read this post.

    I tagged you in a post and would love it if you played along.