Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Don’t Get Out Much?!*

For one night only:

Don’t Get Out Much?!*
Not sure if this title is a question, a description or a warning

Brit 1
Brit 2
Hubby 1
Hubby 2
Fat old American (FOA): Know-it-all  Norman, Older, Bore
Young skinny American (YSA): Tall, Weird, American Twenty-something, Camp As Christmas

: smoke filled ‘British’ bar (silly paraphernalia on the walls, depicting an American vision of England), band playing too loudly.
Two British women standing talking, when two American men approach

FOA: Gee Girls; do you like the smell of my cologne? Thrusts wrist into faces of the two women They give it to you in the bathroom
Brit 1: gagging No! You smell like an old lady.
FOA: …like lavender and mints?
Brit 1: No. Like Wee!
Brit 2: You smell Gay! You are clearly in touch with your feminine side in your pink shirt!
FOA: Really? Smoothes hands over pink shirt covering huge wok like belly
YSA: Thrusts forward like an ostrich Y’all from London. Ahh kin tell.
Brit 1: Genius!
YSA: Ah been to London town. The girls loved me in London. Why d’ya think that was?
Brit 2: I really can’t imagine why
YSA: do you think it was ma accent?
Brit 1: No!
YSA: Girls love ma accent in London (gives a thumbs up sign to FOA to indicate it is going well)
Brit 2: Where are you from?
YSA: Ahs from Kentucky
Brit 2: Ahh! Have you got many cousins? Isn’t Kentucky where you marry your cousins?
YSA: Looks confused on many levels. Why are those two guys staring at us? points over to 2 men standing just to the left They’re not your BOYFRIENDS are they?
Brit 1: Oh, those two men? They aren’t our boyfriends. YSA looks relieved ...for a moment They are our husbands!

FOA: goes over to Hubby 1 and 2 with outstretched hand Hi, my names Ed Winchester. Do you play Golf?
Hubby 2: No, no!… I’m still sexually active
FOA and Hubby 1 & 2 break off and chat

YSA: still marveling that we have husbands Just how old is you?
Brit 2: to Brit 1 rolling eyes He thinks I’m a MILF Brit 1 shakes head
Brit 2: eyes widen in shock He thinks I’m a Cougar?!
Brit 1: Nooooo! You’re not quite old enough… and besides, cougars are very glamorous!
YSA: Is your husband gonna be, like, mad at me?
Brit 2: No… It is ok. I’ve got a hall pass
YSA: Really? Great! What’s a Hall Pass?

Inane chatter and loud music ensues Fade out

Hubby 2: approaches I’m leaving. The Fat  Old American is boring us to death.
Brit 2: I’ll get rid of him.  to FOA I think American football is shit and pointless!
Mortally wounded, FOA leaves stage left
Hubby 2: I’m still going. I have had six pints and they won’t me serve anymore because they want you to get home safely. Bar policy! You stay if you want.
Brit 2: No! I’ll come home with you
YSA: whining But you have a Hall Pass! He tries to lean in…possibly to snog I thought you said you had a Hall Pass
Brit 2: looking horrified and I thought you said you didn’t know what a Hall Pass was! It was a joke! Besides, even if I had a Hall PassYSA is already walking off towards a table of women where FOA has seated himself
YSA: calls across bar as the 4 Brits leave You have lead me on! Jezebel! Ma cousins would never do that! When they gits a Hall Pass they make dang sure they use it!

* A true story (virtually word for word with the exception of 2 or 3 lines!)


  1. Brilliant!, loved the Ed Winchester homage :-)

  2. It was a funny story when you told me about it . It is even funnier now that it's written down. xxxx

  3. Did you know the Fast Show was called 'Brilliant' in the USA? :)

  4. Oh this is Hilarious!!!! I was in Tears of laughter :)