Well Woman’s Clinic – Every Tuesday!
Rules of Engagement for fellow Gynaecologists
To guide you though this special profession remember Philippians 14:3
'I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me!’
In other words what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Jesus turned those two fishes in to 5000 and I bet not all of them were fresh. If he could put up with the smell so can you!
- Always have a female nurse present. Imperative to avoid any lawsuits for malpractice. The presence of a nurse should not inhibit any mal-practice. Who are they to distinguish between an examination and a fondle or a fiddle?
- Always wear loose fitting pants and keep your gun in its holster. No Texan wants a loaded gun misfiring whilst at work
- Always remove your Stetson. A miner’s hard hat and lamp are far more practical, although the wide rim of the Stetson can stop you going in too deep.
- Always wear gloves but remember to take them off for lunch and coffee breaks.
- Disregard the dating rule of ‘tits first’. An assertive approach heading straight to the vagina keeps it professional.
- Do not describe the utensils. Some women are alarmed if you describe the brush spatula. One believed it was needed in relation to her unkempt appearance down below.
- Follow the ‘Head, shoulders, Knees and Toes’ song but change the body parts (essentially Vagina, anus, stomach and breasts in that order - however more playful words make it catchy when you sing it during clinic. For example:
‘Vag, arse, tummy and tits, tummy and tits!
Vag, arse, tummy and tits, tummy and tits
Pies and eyes and mouth and bits,
vag, arse, tummy and tits
- If you hit teeth either you have gone too far or the myths are true. It is not the best entrance for an oral examination.
- A ‘Bimanual examination’ is not a 2 man job – just a 2 hand job – one on the tummy, the other inserted inside the vagina and then see if you can clap!
- A rectovaginal examination allows for a complete evaluation of the uterus from behind, particularly if any suspicious masses are appreciated.– any other masses encountered are usually immediately identifiable and should not be manually removed!
- Do not use the same fingers for each orifice. It is best to give notification when switching from one to the other.
- Do not examine both breasts at the same time. While many gynaecologists are perfectly capable of this, it seems to upset the patient!
- Avoid personal references and observations, even if medically relevant. 'You have a beautiful vulva' may not be interpreted professionally!
- Never tell the 'Swedish pathologist' joke
- Never conduct an oral examination
- Always bid your patient farewell with a cheery ‘See you next Tuesday’