As flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods,
They kill us for their sport
Dear Jesus, The Holy Shamrock, Zeus, Santa and all the other big wigs!
I am sorry! I have clearly pissed you all off …a lot! I know I have mocked religion just a little in my blog. I include Santa as a God because he has the same credentials… imaginary, blindly believed in by millions of hapless people (in this case, children, lied to by parents rather than priests) and he promises things if you are good but never delivers… someone else has to fake it! He shares a special day with Jesus. Oh, and like religion he is a massive commercial success! I have failed to maintain the magic of Santa for my 10 year old who now thinks you’re fake (sorry!).
I know I’ve been a bad girl but I didn’t realize how bad until the Karma came back around!
Being told I have to leave the promised land of
, the land of milking the honeys to move to Americana should have been enough punishment for all my
badness. To exchange the glorious sunshine and shallowness of Sweden for cold dark days in Texas will give me time enough to reflect on my sins, but
no! Not enough for you bastards. Sweden
First, you cause me to break my little toe en-route, not just stub it…an oblique fracture which means it twisted and broke diagonally! I was forced to endure the hideous shame of having to buy and wear fake crocs. This guaranteed the whole trip hurt a lot!
Maybe Santa it was because I eat smoked Reindeer on my first day in
, looking for houses and schools that you butted into
the equation to ruin Christmas. I was told it was a delicacy. It looked bad and
tasted worse and I will never do it again! I promise. I’ll stick to fermented
herring from now on as a form of self flagellation for ever eating Rudolf! Sweden
We were shown a house that I now see represents heaven! A heavenly aspiration a bad MoFo like me will never attain! It was beautiful. It overlooked a lake. It had its own little jetty and a boat. It had a sauna. And the pièce de résistance, a potato store! You’ve made it in
if you have a potato store. Most swedes can only
dream of such a thing, although I don’t think you have to limit storage just to
potatoes! A whole room dedicated to root
vegetables so we could bunker down in the winter. It was there in the Sweden Lake house. Heaven! So close… and yet way to fucking far from civilization!
3 hours a day dedicated to the school run is just too much! Like heaven… out of
reach! You Bastards!
So we looked at houses in the town! You showed me heaven and gave me hell!
Hell #1 was a tiny apartment that quite clearly some old person had died in. Not only did it not have a potato store it didn't have space for a washing machine. There was a communal laundry room where I would be given a WEEKLY slot to do my washing! You godly bastards know I have to run a washing machine 24/7 to clean up after my son! His lack of bottom wiping skills alone fill a washing mashing load on a daily basis.
Hell #2 I grew up on a council estate of blocks of flats. It was condemned years ago. I thought it had been knocked down but no! It had been moved brick by brick to Sweden Karmly waiting for me to come back round!
Hell #3 A house smaller than my first 2 up 2 down house. I accept that the house in
is absurdly big but moving into a living space the
size of our bathroom in Texas
is too much of a compromise Texas
Hell #4 I think the torture chamber scenes from ‘the girl with the Dragon tattoo’ were filmed here. More than one person had died. Think trailer park trash Swedish style! Maybe it was the mock crocs giving out all the wrong signals to the relocation agency about the sort of person I was!
Then there were the schools! Only a choice of two that had English lessons. One school would not take my son (I thought his reputation preceded him but they do not take kids under 10) and the other that appeared to be floating on a mud lake! I could turn a blind eye to the ramshackled shit hole of a building. I could turn a blind eye to the lack of adult supervision outside, it was cold! I could turn a blind eye to the poor behaviour I saw in the classroom, I couldn’t understand it and I would have played up because it was in Swedish! SWEDISH!!!! That bit I couldn’t ignore! 50% of lessons at the ‘international’ school were in Swedish! My daughter struggles with maths in English! Added to that, my son started school at 4 in the
. They made him start again at 5 in the UK . They want to make him start again in USA at 7. They showed me the reception class of 7 year
olds. It looked like a nursery class. My son reads novels! Sweden
So the punishment continues! I tried to be creative. Live in the lake house, I reasoned! Store potatoes, invite the neighbours round to view the impressive array of root vegetables and drive 50 kilometers to the school each day. Pretend the school was lovely. Go to university to fill the time while the kids are at school. The only Masters course I could apply for? Holocaust and Genocide studies!
has a higher suicide rate in polar winter. I fear the rate may increase
by 1! Sweden
So! I move to
in January. Sweden
My dear gods! I know I haven’t prayed for … a very long time…. Errr Ok, never! But I’m f**king praying now!
Stranger about to enter a Stranger Land Still!