* Warning! I say ‘shit’ a lot
in this blog!
They say life is not about
the destination but the journey. Sometimes the destination can be a poignant
end to a journey someone… or something has been on.
I
have to confess I knew very little about Sweden before I moved here. After 3 months of living here I
haven’t really added to my bank of knowledge. Like everyone else, I was
familiar with Abba, fermented herring (not so familiar) and Ryvita! I wasn’t
disappointed! Pictures of Abba greet you at the airport along with other famous
Swedes, whose names escape me. There are whole aisles of knäckebröd in the
supermarkets. As for fish… that’s a blog dying (and stinking) to be written!

My champagne flutes have been
on a bit of a journey with me from Sweden to England and on to America and now back to Sweden . As they have
been repatriated to their home land I’m looking forward to making new friends,
sharing a glass or two of champagne and sharing the harrowing story of the
champagne flutes to a Swedish audience.
I’m never quite sure with
after dinner stories whether to keep them as short anecdotes or stretch them
out with detail into full stories. To tell my newly acquired Swedish friends,
impressed with my Swedish champagne flutes (which are so posh, the local very
posh hotel has a set in a locked cabinet as a display) the anecdote; ‘these
very champagne flutes were once filled with shit in America ’, might not amuse
given their Swedish origin. It might also cause unnecessary alarm and concern
that I might not have washed them properly afterwards. Besides, it’s an
exaggeration! It wasn’t solid shit, more a murky brown shit fused water!
I guess I will have to tell
the long version.
I never name and shame so I
will have to stick to that principle here. Anyway, I blame myself. I thought my
shitty visitor was only pretending to have the shits because he was a boring
shit who didn’t want to go out and do Jack shit. We did go out but, as with a couple
of other nights, had to come back early because someone had tumpkin ache! I'd
been in bed ten minutes when I was woken to be told water was running down the
kitchen walls. Someone had blocked the guest toilet… with shit…. And the shitty
water was seeping through the walls down stairs into the kitchen… Into the kitchen
cupboards to be precise. To be totally exact, it was filling up £900 worth of
champagne flutes and it wasn’t with Moet! I was ‘lucky’ in that the wall cavity
and plaster acted as a shit sieve so solid bits didn’t get through. It was more
a defused eau d’ shit water.
White the shitty water filled
5 wall cupboards, 5 draws and 5 floor cupboards, the shitter went to sleep. Worse
still, he suggested my 7 year old son had blocked the toilet; A toilet my son
never uses (at the far side of the house – it was a big house – it was Texas !!!) with more
shit than his total body weight! My son, capable of many shitty horrors, was
not responsible for this one!
It was late. The shit flow
was halted. I went to bed, while the vintage in the champagne glasses
‘breathed’ and matured like fine wine! By morning I had developed a cleaning
OCD. It was less ‘once more into the Breach’, more ‘where’s the fucking
Bleach!’ Armed with gallons of beach and
rubber gloves I began operation clean up. Every vessel was filled with water
with more than a hint of shit. I had to throw all my PG tips teabags away which
was tragic enough, but I will never forget my elegant, tall Swedish champagne
flutes, every one of them, filled with turgid brown water.
I was completely in the zone!
Barking orders! Everyone was shit scared. Including me! Literally! Hard not to
be with that many pooh particles about! I have been hospitalised with Campylobacteriosis which is caught via ‘fecal-oral,
ingestion of contaminated food or water’ i.e. eating shit! I never want it
again! I used spray disinfectant, proven to kill 99% of shitty things
dead! I used so much I couldn’t breathe and began heaving. The last thing I
needed was a sickfest to go with the shitfest. I did, for a fleeting moment
wonder if it had all been a ploy to get me to do some housework!
All this time the ‘alleged’ shitter
slept on! He emerged, with impeccable timing, when the last shitty item had
been bleached.
Arse!
Shitty Arse!
I wondered if the spray
disinfectant would work on him.
Thinking about it
realistically, there are two problems with telling the shitty champagne story
to dinner guests. Swedes might not like the total lack of respect, indeed, the
downright cruelty bestowed on Sweden’s finest glassware. Also, they might not
want to finish their glass of champagne.
Ooooh! Every cloud! Alcohol
is really expensive here. If I only half fill their glasses, they sure as shit wont want a refill!
Excellent story for a first thing in the morning read :), Thank god for filtering walls, removing the solids and leaving just 'eau d’ shit water' Maybe you should just lock yours away now like the hotel, for display only. Only to use them on particularly unwelcome guests who may not be aware of the hilarity behind their imprisonment
ReplyDeleteSounds like a plan but I'm not sure I'd want to waste Champagne on unwelcome guests!
DeleteI should have saved some of the 'waste' :)
Some good shit there Jane, l will bring the shitty shampagne when l come over!! cheers Jenny
ReplyDeleteNever shitty champagne with good friends, Jenny! Only the best for you x
DeleteThat was brill. I have really missed your blogs. Just think I was drinking out of those flutes last week. Glad to say they were beautiful and sparkling. Pity the shitter can't read it , would he be ashamed or sorry . ......I think not because he is exactly that A SHIT. Hope you can keep blogging again , they are like a ray of sunshine( not shit ).
ReplyDeleteomg! I had such a good laugh over all this shit! Probably because while I didn't have shit in my posh glasses (btw I don't have any), I have had my daughter paint her room with shit.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you had a new post, was wondering where you galavanted off to. Besides Sweden, I saw that post lol
:)
DeleteIts taken a while for me to get over the shock of the move and function again!