Friday, August 29, 2014

Exclusive on the All-Inclusive

Transcript of our welcome meeting upon arrival at the beautiful Island of Mauritius.

It wasn’t Mauritius actually, but I always wanted some poor f**ker to win that trip from Matthew Kelly on ‘Going for Gold’. I don’t think anyone has yet. We went to Boa Vista, Cape Verde for our first ever all-inclusive 5* holiday!

Please read in a scouse accent, or a Geordie one if that’s easier and more comedic. Avoid Manchester or Birmingham accents because, whilst they are my favourites, they simply aren’t endearing or more importantly, funny! (if doing a scouse accent throw in the random ‘It’s great’ and if Geordie do a few ‘Wyyyye iyyyye man’ every so often)

The Welcome meeting!

Hello! Welcome to the welcome meeting where we would like to welcome you to your exclusive, all-inclusive holiday.
Normally, we bribe people to give up an hour of their holiday to listen to this very informative talk where we give you lots of useless information with a free drink. However, as you are all inclusive that doesn't bring in the crowds like it does on a bucket budget trip to Benidorm. They’ll do anything for a Campari there!  So, instead, we promise some exclusive information, which those who don't turn up are excluded from. May not seem much but when you realize being all-inclusive means you are not special at all, you'll be glad you have some exclusivity.
Thank you for choosing Thompsons but as we are the only tour operator offering this hotel you didn't have any choice anyway. (It’s great! Wyyyyeee iyye Man/Pet)
First thing’s first. There is bugger all to do here in the hotel complex and we are desperate to make some more money from you and the only way we can do this is from excursions. There is nothing of any interest at all to do on this barren waterless wasteland beyond the hotel gates (which we man and lock at night) but we have managed to scrape together 4 hours of quad biking where you will see nothing! Literally nothing, because of the dust and grit and sand in your eyes. It's our most popular trip. Don't book with locals.  They are not insured and will leave you for dead should you injure yourselves. So will we actually as the nearest hospital is on the Canaries!
We also offer a great catamaran experience… subject to availability. The pirates off the coast of Senegal keep stealing it hoping Tom Hanks is on it and will make them famous! Don't book locals for any trips. They know the area and the history and everything. Far better to pay extortionate amounts to us. Turtle watching for example: Why would you want to walk 5 minutes down the beach at night to join the local Turtle Foundation and watch turtles hatch with experts when you can assemble at 1900 hours with your friendly Thompsons rep recovering from last night’s beach BBQ, travel for hours by coach to identical beach at the opposite end of the island, stopping on the way to buy local crafts at a special Thompson exclusive pottery shop, before traipsing for miles on the beach to make it feel like you are getting your money's worth, having a really, really interesting talk on local fauna and fishes, arriving back at the hotel before dawn, with the added benefit of being up before you go to bed and actually getting a sunbed that day?
It is worth mentioning guests are not allowed to reserve sunbeds. We do recommend a very early start at the pool for those guests who like to use sunbeds. 6am should secure you a lovely sunbathing spot in another resort! Best get up early to get one here! For those who like a lie in on holiday you can still get a pool side spot around 7am and the smell is just from the drains where the sewage flows near the pool. Actual poo in the pool is less common than you might think and usually the result of small children. If you pay the extra for the adult only pool you can avoid all pool poo and be exclusively extra inclusive. Actually, that’s not true. Some adults drop their kids off at the pool too! Talking of poo, for all the lazy shites who rise after 9, you'll have to go on the beach, as there will be no sunbeds available for the remainder of the day.  Life's a beach! A vast expanse of it!
The beach offers a wide range of free watersports, none of which are available should the flag be red. The red flag flies for 365 days a year. If you wish to partake in any other exclusive watersports, you will have to pay extortionate extra amounts and we will transport you to the other side of the island where the undercurrent wont drown you, or at the very least wont give you a compulsory colonic irrigation. All-inclusive Treatments such as colonic irrigation are completely free on the hotel beach, courtesy of the Atlantic Ocean.
Food! Bet you’re all starving after the shite they serve on the plane! Well here it’s all you can eat! More like all you can stomach! Think quantity, not quality. Wonder why you were squished between the morbidly obese on the plane? Because this is a fat bastards paradise! 6 restaurants - one that's exclusive to those extra all-inclusive people who've paid extra and upgraded to adult only (sadly not available to those with children) two venues that strictly speaking are food halls on a scale that Billy Butlin could only dream of and three that you have to exclusively book (3 days in advance! Tough shite to those only here for seven nights! Great! Man/Pet!) that are smaller versions of the big ones and serve the same food. All buffet style! No need to wait at your table for someone to serve you, simple line up and shovel it on, pile it high and shovel it in!
A great thing to do is drink until you are sick: Tap water will do it! Alternatively, all the beer you can drink! As long as it's Strela! A special island mix of hops and water; All the wine you can drink, as long as it’s house red, white or both mixed to produce a house rose, with that special island blend of more water; If you like piña colada, getting caught in the rain, you'll love Boa Vista but they don't serve Champagne (except once at week at breakfast - a special island blends of bubbles and H2O); An extensive range of cocktails as long as its piña colada. Lush; Kids can drink Fanta, coke, sprite.... Specially blended with that Boa Vistan water. No one yet has managed to drink until they are sick. Maybe you can make Boa Vistan history but don't tell anyone! Everyone will know you are wuss who can't handle girls’ beer!

Want something to do in the day and have worked out kids club is shit and so is bingo and darts? Play ‘Buff or Muff’ (the boa Vistan version of 'Punching above their Weight') Spot mis-matched couples and score a point by shouting Buff or Muff depending upon which one is significantly more attractive. A great way to stimulate healthy debate and make friends! Wonder how Buff or Muff ended up with a gremlin? So do they! Play ‘Munter in the Making’ by adding 20 years, 20 pounds and removing the hair (from the mans head and adding it to the woman’s back and cutting those long locks) from a young couple and work out the future Muff or Buff! It really is simple once you get the hang of it and provides endless hours of fun! But remember! The nearest hospital is a flight away!
Another great pool side game is 'guess the nationality'. A top tip: if a very tanned man has wavy hair past his ears and is able to scratch his bollocks and adjust his penis in one slick maneuver in his speedos, he isn't usually British. This reminds me of another great game for the adult’s only pool called 'its rude to point'.
Which brings me on the evening entertainment. The parrrtaaayyyy kicks off at 7pm. It is exactly the same every night for children's hour. They love it after all that blue sprite and piña colada. During the show, avoid rocking and licking windows by drinking the local gin – mixed with that special H20 Island blend!
The nightly 'show' is full of glamour and glitz! You will be mesmerized by our resident star. Transvestite or transgender? Never being sure you can score an extra 'it's rude to point' point will have you transfixed! See stars of yesteryear brought to life in amazing lip-syncing dance routines. Everybody still loves a Michael Jackson medley, don't they? I believe Gary Glitter week starts next month… or maybe it will be a Cliff Richard special!
Of course the hotel offers free Wi-Fi - in the reception area only. This area gets extremely busy at all times and we strongly recommend you label family electronic devises clearly. We cannot be responsible for the breakdown of family due to competing Wi-Fi demands and Facebook twitter and Instagram deprivation. Whist we appreciate ‘if it isn't posted it didn't happen’ and there's no point playing ‘it’s rude to point’ if you can't post the pictures, in fact we appreciate there's no point going on holiday at all, but still in appreciating this we in no way accept that it's shite for a 5* hotel to only have intermittent Wi-Fi in one area. You can upgrade for a fee!
The most special thing for us is how special you are and as you are all inclusive, you are all equally special! Relax and enjoy… After all, there’s f**k all else to do!!!!
Now… Who wants to go quad biking?

We had a lovely holiday and cant wait to share on Trip Advisor!


  1. Take it you have booked for next year then!

  2. Your sense of humour is amazing. Laughed all the way through. Keep writing it's was fab. Xxxxx

  3. I'd heard it was like Africa but with a European vibe :)))))))))))))))))
    Dang funny, you describe it exactly how I would expect it to be, although I was a little disappointed that you didn't partake in the obligatory karaoke..................OR DID YOU!!!!!!????? and you are now secretly attending your local club

  4. Ooohhh the disappointment when someone beat me to it to do a Whitney Classic, then I couldn't find a Kenny to team with my Dolly for Islands in the Stream.
    Finally got my turn at 4am and all that was left was I can't live (if living is without you) by Dennis Nilsen (not the one who killed those poor boys)
    A belter for Karaoke

  5. What about crying by Roy Orbison, and singing cwying as in Fools and Horses :D

  6. PS. wasn't it Harry Nilsson who sang that other song ;-)

  7. Replies
    1. I think Bad Company is perfect to screech along to ... but only by myself in the car :)

    2. The Wasp classic your're referring to would certainly add to the 'european vibe'