Thursday, December 4, 2014

All that glitters is not gold

Having the builders in can be a little invasive. You have no privacy. They often arrive when I’m still in my nightie before my morning ablutions (polite terminology for having a poo) . When I put our building project out to tender one builder asked me if he would have to put a portaloo on site or if the builders could use the loos in the house. I can’t imagine anything worse than going to the loo and finding a queue of master craftsmen waiting in line to follow after you… especially knowing what 51% of men do at work, possibly in the executive washroom! We have been reduced to one en-suite loo for most of the build. Sharing that at 8am would be way too cozy. I didn’t choose that builder. I chose the one that promised to bring his own toilet. He did! In the summer it got very stinky and it was positioned below my bedroom window. At one point we had no loo inside the house and I was forced to use the blue portaloo. I need years of therapy to eradicate the experience. One day I sprayed asphyxiating amounts of air-freshener around the blue loo not realizing the person causing the smell was still in there. He came out smelling of roses …covered in manure!

For someone who is generally anally retentive the whole loo experience of living on a building site has been a nightmare. I don’t like people knowing I’m going for a poo. When I was a student sharing a house with 4 others I used to run a bath so that I could have a surreptitious poo and no one would know.
I knew builders being here would challenge me. My friend told me when she had some building work done she went outside and the builders were gathered around an open sewer pointing and laughing. She went to have a look and was horrified to see the monster she had just delivered in her toilet sat in the sewer pipe getting marks out of ten from the builders. Live ‘rate my’.

Knowing this, my horror began quite early into the build with the moving of drainage. Firstly the toilet pipe was outside where they were working. They’d know when I went by the flush! Then they began digging and the manhole cover was removed. I was tempted to poo and run out to see if I could see it on its way. Instead I had to go out and ask them to cover the sewer so I could go in private. They knew for certain when I went then.  I told them I wanted a wee but I bet they knew! Then there is the embarrassment of them wearing masks when moving the soil pipes. It doesn’t smell that bad… Certainly not as bad as the smell emitting from the plumber when he unblocked the old dishwasher waste pipe. He blamed the ‘waste pipe’. I wondered if that was his pet or technical name for his stinky arse!

Having IBD doesn’t help. You can get those medical ‘Cant wait’ cards that allow you to politely push in public loo queues. Like that would be discreet! Let me push in or I will soil my pants! I wondered if I should get a modified one saying “Builders! Go on your tea break, I need a shit’.

I could have blamed the children but my son never flushes the toilet and my daughter is way too girly to poo. Perhaps I could have played loud music so they don’t hear when it’s loud and not music? I’d already noted one week in to the build that you shouldn’t fart very loudly when builders are the other side of the air-vent. I heard one of them cough politely to remind me of their presence. I then heard about six blokes piss themselves laughing. Not my finest moment! One solution was to wait for them to be distracted – like waiting for the concrete to pour (not a euphemism) or go while they were waiting for it to harden in the trench (ok …maybe a double entendre!).

The builders are now mostly working inside and it doesn’t get any easier. Yesterday I was in the bathroom. It is en-suite and had a glass door. Unfortunately the glass is clear as we need to get some frosted glass put in. The electrician came in to see where I wanted a plug socket (not a euphemism). Luckily I was painting and not having a poo! I drove 20 minutes to my friends flat to have one of those in peace that day.

I may have got this all wrong. Another friend shared something with me today that might have made the whole experience fun for everyone involved. Glitter pills! I remember, years ago, Viz advertising a Glitter shitter that sprinkled glitter on shit but these pills save on any external sprinkling device. You simply swallow one and do glittery poos. (I must qualify that my friend didn’t share a glittery poo, simply the availability of such pills on Etsy!)
Even the burliest of builders would be cheered by some glitter, especially at this time of year, and they still have one sewer pipe to sort and 3 toilets to fit. A bit of glitter would add cheer! I did a little research. The makers of the pills said ‘So glam you’ll piss glitter’. It’s not the pissing process I have problems with! They also said the company ‘does not recommend consuming these pills and assumes no liability for any damage / loss / self-harm’ How much harm can some glitter do? My daughter got some in her eye when she was little and had to go to A&E. If it’s fine enough it wouldn’t be too abrasive. For considerably more money you can buy gold pills. The same principle only your poo will have gold bits in – real gold! It could start a whole new gold rush although I wouldn’t fancy sieving through the mud to retrieve the gold particles.
At over $400 a pill you wouldn’t want to simply flush money down the toilet, literally! I once purchased some gold edible glitter to put around the top of champagne glasses. I thought it would be glamorous. It actually made the champagne look like it had a scum floating on top. I’d be worried that my poo might not be as blingy and party like as the pills promise. Might just look shit! You can even get pills that make your poo smell of chocolate. Now if they did one that made it smell of coffee I think I’d be on to a winner with the builders. They’d have the manhole cover off every day at 10am precisely!


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    1. Consider yourself admonished Ann ��

  2. Silly mother! named my location! I cant have the builders downing tools (not a euphamism) when they discover I've blogged about them!

  3. Sorry about that . Glitter pills for Christmas pressies then.

  4. Wheres My other comment gone?

    Have I been moderated too :-/

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