When my sister called me, excited to tell me she had got us tickets
to the Mind, Body, Spirit wellbeing Festival I resisted the urge to exclaim
‘WTF!’
I decided I should go with an open mind… after all something so benign – what
harm could it do? I was surprised when I
asked for predictions of how good it would be on a scale of 1= WTF to 10 being
‘far out man’ that my sister – spiritual as she is, expected it to be a 4. I
did too. Upon arrival I almost ran back out again when I was confronted with
the ‘omchanting tent’. Way too WTF on my scale already. I needed to lie down in
the Mantra lounge. The brochure did boast offering ‘like minded people
real-time shared experiences and sensory indulgences’. Real-time? I was already having an out of body moment
and I hadn’t been there 2 minutes.
Almost immediately after chanting we came upon the ‘Crystal Clear
Psychics’, a gathering of tarot wielding, spirit chattering, angel sycophantic charlatans.
I’m not like-minded and I mind! There is a reason psychics don’t win the
lottery and faith healers don’t work in hospitals. There were lots of them, sat
at a little table touting for business. Each person had introductory blub. Some
boasted being psychic from birth. How would they know that? Maybe from past
life regression or from their spiritual guides. Personally I think there’s a
medical explanation for voices in your head but I’m not a Doctor. Some boasted
they could answer specific questions (only the ones they knew the answer to).
One had the absolute audacity to say they were honest!
A well dressed man – not new age in the slightest- mistook my interest for interest and offered a
reading with one of his motley crew. For just £35 for 20 minutes I could
receive a reading. I’d read enough already! £35 quid! It was crystal clear. I
could see where the posh suit came from. I said politely that I was an atheist
and shared no belief whatsoever in what he was offering. I think my sister was embarrassed
by my bluntness so she had a reading. She wouldn’t let me sit in. I don’t know
why not. She returned enlightened by £35, comforted by the guardianship of her archangel
Michael and by the suggestion that she was about to embark on a new lucrative
career in healing – the psychic suggested crystals. I’m tempted to do a bit of
it myself at £110 per hour.
Whilst I waited I had a liver cleanse juice beverage of lime, apple
and beetroot. It turns out, 3 hours after drinking it, I had the added and
unexpected benefit of a colonic cleanse too.
I confess I got caught out. I was asked if I wanted to know what
colour I was. I was a little confused. She told me she was referring to my personality.
I is black, surely? Turns out, after some magical mathematical calculations
based on my birth date I am Yellow. She described a yellow person. All sunshine
and confidence and intellect. ‘That’s me,’ I enthused. I was so enthused I
purchased her book. Nobody, when told positive things about themselves is
likely to say ‘Nah, I’m fuck all like that’. In her book it said the tricky
side of being yellow, when out of balance, is I can be sour, like a lemon, and
‘self centred’ and ‘egotistical’ and my words can be ‘direct and biting’ with
critical and sarcastic humour. My sister was suddenly enthused too. ‘That’s
just like you,’ she enthused. ‘Nah,’ I said, ‘That’s fuck all like me’.
My best purchase was ‘Smooth Again’ – a ‘natural way to remove hair
and exfoliate’. The woman got a miniature micro crystal sanding pad (crystals
again!) and sanded my arm. Within seconds I had a hairless smooth patch. I didn’t stop to think that while it worked on
soft fine arm hair it might not be so effective on my five o’clock shadow. I was
so impressed I go two. I am hairy – but I do have a daughter too. There is a
little finger attachment with its own little micro crystal sanding pad. I asked
if that was for use on bum cracks. Apparently, its not. It’s for mustaches. I
think they are missing a marketing opportunity there! Have you read the Veet
reviews? It burns!
Excited, when I got home I sandpapered my daughter’s legs – in black
jeans that quickly became hairy and white from dead skin. I think I sanded a
little too hard as the dog got rather excited by the smell of burning flesh and
began licking my jeans, my daughter’s legs and the sofa. It worked beautifully
on her legs but she’s never shaved them so it was nice fine hair. I have never
waxed or shaved my lips and used my little finger attachment to have a go. It worked
but now I have sore, red, stingy skin. It’s rather unsightly! Maybe I rubbed a
little rigorously. The woman said it worked on legs, arms, armpits, facial hair
and bikini line. I’ve since found out it doesn’t work on all hair but I guess she wasn’t considering the challenges of
serious brillo pad stubble. I think a Brazilian is well beyond its capacity.

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